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Home Movies Gallery Transcript

(The episode begins on some close-ups of Super-8mm film running through a movie projector. We can see the film is of Tommy crawling on the floor happily. But then the film begins to get caught in the projector and jam. Stu, watching what's happening, lets out a high-pitched scream and attempts to fix things. We see that the setting is at Drew and Charlotte's house. Drew and Charlotte sit on a sofa as Stu tries fixing the projector, as Didi, Lou, Howard, Betty, Didi, the kids, Chazz, Minka and Boris are there. Boris is clutching his chest and faking a heart attack...)

Boris: My heart! My heart! (collapses on the floor, wheezing, and then lies face up.)

Betty: Mr. Kropotkin, are you all right?!

Minka: Ah, he's just playing games. He does it all the time.

Boris: (gets up) Minka, please! Please let me go home! I'm an old person. I've only got so much time left!

Minka: Boris! This is your son-in-law's home movies! Be a man and suffer through it.

Boris: Echh!

Minka: "Echh" yourself.

(As Stu continues fixing the projector, Charlotte talks on her phone...)

Charlotte: Oh yes, there IS something worse than a hostile buyout, Jonathan. (softly into phone) I'm about to watch my brother-in-law's home movies.

Stu: Folks, in just a moment, the home movies will be ready to roll! (his tie gets caught in the projector mechanism)

Chuckie: Hey Tommy, what's "home movies?"

Tommy: Well, my dad sure is happy about it. It must be something really really fun!

Lil: Maybe "home movies" is when you move to a new home like Susie did.

Phil: Naw, that doesn't sound like any fun. Maybe it's when you move around all the furniture in your home!

Lil: That's supposed to be fun? I'd rather get diaper rash.

Chuckie: I got it! Maybe "home movies" is when your house gets up and starts moving around like it's alive!

Angelica: You babies get dumber and dumber every day.

Tommy: Well OK, Angelica, you're bigger than us. What's "home movies?"

Angelica: (sighs) Home movies is like television except nobody really wants to watch 'em.

Tommy: Then why do they?

Angelica: They have to. It's the law!

(Stu walks in front of the movie screen...)

Stu: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? Welcome to Stu Pickle's "Cinema-Domestique."

(The other adults groan.)

Stu: Drew, if you please.

(Drew turns the lights out, Stu starts playing mood muzak on a record player, and turns on the projector. On the screen, Didi is seen packing up things into suitcases...)

Drew: There's Didi, packing for our vacation to the Grand Canyon.

(Didi smiles and waves at the camera. Back in reality...)

Lou: Oh, it's going to be a long night...

Angelica: (to the other babies) Come on, cottonheads.

Tommy: Where are we going?

Angelica: Shh! Don't ask questions. Just come on!

(On screen, Stu is aiming his movie camera at a mirror, waving around...)

Stu: That's just me goofing around before our trip to the Grand Canyon.

(Boris tugs his shirt collar while watching...)

Boris: Help me. Help me.

(On screen, we see Stu, Lou and Didi, holding Tommy, wave at the camera, next to the car with the luggage already on top.)

Stu: And there we are in our car, getting ready to go on a trip to the Grand Canyon!

(The camera aims at the sun, and a lens flare occurs. Back in reality...)

Chazz: I wanna go home...

(The kids crawl underneath Chazz's chair, unnoticed. On screen, the car pulls out of the driveway and out of sight...)

Stu: That's us pulling out of the driveway... and, here I am coming back for the camera...

(On screen, Stu walks up to the camera, and then the screen tints red with black specks moving upward. In reality, Boris dials into a phone...)

Boris: Hello, Dr. Kevorkian?!

(The kids crawl up the stairs. In Angelica's room, the babies are seated in front of an easel, as Angelica dumps her box of crayons onto the floor...)

Tommy: Angelica, you still haven't told us what we're doing.

Angelica: We're makin' home movies!

Tommy: How are we gonna do that? We don't even have one of those "pro-jester" machines!

Angelica: Just let me handle this, OK?

(Angelica momentarily leaves, and comes back in pulling a briefcase full of printer paper with stock markings and diagrams on it.)

Tommy: Angelica, you sure you can play with that paper?

Angelica: Sure, it's just my dad's work papers. (she places the blank side on the easel, and clears her throat) May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? It's time for Angelica Pickles's famous home movies! (singing fanfare) Daaaaa, daaaaa, daaaaa, TA-DAAAH! OK, now close your eyes!

Tommy: But why, Angelica? How are we gonna...

Angelica: I said, CLOSE YOUR EYES!

(The babies close their eyes, and Angelica begins humming a longer fanfare as she turns out her lamp and gets out a flashlight...)

Angelica: Bum, bum! Bum, bum! Bum, bum! Bum, bum...

Chuckie: (uncovers his eyes) I don't like this, Tommy! It's dark in here!

Angelica: QUIET! And don't open those eyes until I say so!

(We see from Chuckie's point of view, as he closes his eyes and everything is black, as Angelica sings her fanfare again...)

Angelica: Daaaaaaa, which is, daaaaaaa, right, daaaaaaa, now!

(Chuckie opens his eyes, and we see Angelica standing in front of her easel with the flashlight shining on it...)

Angelica: TA-DAAAAAAAAH! OK, this is my house! (she reveals a crayon drawing of her house; the babies look at each other) You're supposed to say "OOOH" AND "AAAH!"

Babies: (simultaneously) Oooh, aaah!

(Angelica shows a drawing of Fluffy, rendered in crayons as a gray cat with red legs, blue bows in her hair, and a red wiggly smiley face...)

Angelica: And this is my cat Fluffy, and this is my doll Cynthia. (her drawing depicts a crayon-rendered Cynthia with a yellow face, red hair, a green triangle body with blue legs and big hands...) And this is me, Angelica Pickles; the prettiest, most beautiful-est kid in the whole universe! (the next drawing shows a simple crayon rendering of Angelica, with a purple triangle body, blue legs, and a yellow head with two pigtails. Angelica scribbles the following onto her with her crayons...) And this is my pretty dress, and my pretty shoes, and my pretty crown, and...

Tommy: But Angelica, you don't have a crown.

Angelica: Hey, this is MY home movies! And if I say I have a crown, then I have a crown, OK?! Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

(The drawing moves down to reveal a series of drawings of a red square outline, that then comes to life in animation, as Angelica's window, which opens...)

Angelica: (narrating) And this is me, in my beautiful room...

(In the home movie, we see Angelica, now without a more simplified design and faceless, lying in her bed as stuffed animals surround it, and "Me" in blue appears above her. Angelica wakes up in her drawing and yawns and stretches as the "Me" and dolls disappear...)

Angelica: (narrating) Every day when I get up, I get out of my covers and stand on my bed and greet the day!

(The Angelica drawing stands on her bed and waves at the sun in the sky as a rooster crows. The sun briefly smiles back at her. Then she jumps off her bed...)

Angelica: Daddy, daddy, DADDY!

(A small, simply-drawn crayon figure runs in with a blank face, a black body and blue legs, representing Drew...)

Drew: Yes my little darling, my dumpling, my pumpkin pie? (hugs Angelica's leg)

Angelica: (shakes Drew off her leg) Get me my breakfast, right now!

(The small Drew figure re-enters with trays of crayon-rendered food, such as cakes, cookies and candies...)

Angelica: (narrating) And then my daddy brings me breakfast in bed. And I get to eat anything I want!

(A drawing of an ice cream cone gets yellow "syrup" spread over it...)

Angelica: (narrating) I eat ice cream and cake with lots of syrup over everything!

(The syrup-covered ice cream cone floats off the tray into Angelica's big pink mouth, where it breaks up into little pieces that are sucked downward, accompanied by the sounds of Angelica eating. Back in reality...)

Chuckie: (stands up) Hey, Angelica! I've been over to your house for breakfast, and YOU don't eat stuff like that!

Angelica: QUIET, MORTAL! (Chuckie sits back down) And then, my mommy comes in!

(In the home movie, a big green-and-orange figure representing Charlotte makes a cameo appearance, holding a big gray old-fashioned telephone receiver...)

Charlotte: Hello, Jonathan? It's me. Get me lots of money, Jonathan. Lots and lots of money so I can buy lots of toys for my beautiful daughter! Hurry, hurry, my daughter gets only the best! (she kisses the top of Angelica's head a few times) Lots of money. Lots of toys for Angelica!

(She begins piling multicolored scribbles, representing toys, next to Angelica...)

Angelica: (narrating) And then my mommy gives me everything I want, and my dad keeps giving me food!

(The small Drew begins piling simplly-drawn cupcakes around Angelica, and the cupcakes and "toys" all multiply and begin to form the shape of the bottom half of the Angelica figure's body...)

Drew: More cupcakes, cupcake?

Angelica: Yeah, keep em' comin'!

(The toy and cupcake Angelica figure then morphs into Angelica's pink body with yellow legs, which grows bigger and bigger...)

Angelica: (narrating) And I eat and eat, and I keep eating and keep eating and soon...

(The now-giant Angelica figure swings her legs around, cackling and walking away from the even-smaller Drew figure. Then little figures representing the babies appear next to her...)

Angelica: (voice echoing) Hiya, babies! Ready for me to STOMP on ya'? (laughs diabolically as she raises her leg...)

(Chuckie turns the light on, interrupting Angelica...)

Chuckie: No, no, don't do it!

Angelica: Hey! This is MY home movies, and if I want to stomp you, I can!

Tommy: But Angelica, that's not how things really are!

Phil: Yeah, you're not that big!

Angelica: So?

Lil: And your dad's not that small!

Angelica: So?

Chuckie: And the sky's not orange!

Angelica: (handing Chuckie a light-blue crayon) Okay. If you're so smart, here! Let's see your home movies.

Chuckie: (nervous) But... I can't.

Tommy: Go ahead, Chuckie.

Lil: Yeah. Yours can't be any worse than Angelica's.

Chuckie: Well, (picking up the crayon and walking to the easel) okay, I'll try. (He picks up a small board.) Close your eyes.

(The rest of the group does so as he begins drawing.)

Angelica: Oh, boy, this is gonna be a laugh. Chuckie can't draw his way out of a paper bag.

Tommy: Why would he want to?

(Phil takes a little peek as Chuckie finishes drawing. The finished drawing is imposed on a black chalkboard.)

Chuckie: Okay, I'm ready. This is my world, and welcome to it.

(The rest of the group now have their eyes open.)

Angelica: (walking to the easel and picking up the board) What happened? Did somebody turn out the lights?

Chuckie: No, that's the sky and that's the ground.

Angelica: You call that a sky?

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