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Naked Tommy Gallery Transcript

[The episode begins with a view from Spike's eyes. Spike wimpers as a pink and purple striped sweater is put on him. When he reaches the end of the sweater, Didi, who is sitting in a chair, is revealed to have put it on him.]

Didi: "Oh, now, don't you look handsome!"

[Didi pats spike on his head, and Spike wimpers. Stu walks in, shocked when he sees Spike wearing the sweater.]

Stu: "Yikes! Deed, what have you done to Spike?"
Didi: "Don't you think he looks cute?"
Stu: "Oh, for goodness sake, he's a dog, deed, not a... a... a poodle!

[Spike growls as he pushes the sweater off with his rear legs. As he gets his head out, Stu looks down at him.]

Stu: "Good boy, Spike!"

[Didi looks angrily at Spike.]

Didi: "Oh, fine, Spike! If you want to run around naked all day, then go ahead!
Stu: "Run, Spike! Be free!"

[Spike jumps into the playpen, where Tommy is. Tommy giggles.]

Lou: Hey, you two, come and listen to my acceptance speech, will you?"

[As Didi gets out of her chair, Lou is in the kitchen, holding a piece of paper.]

Stu: "Ah, sure, Pop."

[Stu and Didi walk into the kitchen. In the playpen, Tommy walks up to Spike.]

Tommy: "Wow, Spike! I never noticed before! No wonder you're so happy all the time!"

[Tommy untapes his diaper, then sighs with relief. He walks up to Spike, then grunts as he pulls up his shirt. When he gets it off, he tosses it aside and giggles. He climbs onto Spike's back and continues giggling as Spike wals around the playpen, with him riding on hus back. Stu then walks out of the kitchen.]

Stu: "Don't worry, Pop, I'm still listening. I just want to check on the... Aaaah!"

[Stu is shocked to find Tommy completely naked as Tommy continues riding on Spike's back and giggling.]

Didi: "Stu, what's wrong?"
Stu: "Oh, nothing. Tommy just took off his diaper."
Didi: "Well, put it back on!"
Lou: "And hurry, this is my big ending!"

[Stu walks up to Tommy.]

Stu: "Okay, champ. Let's get this thing back on!"

[Stu picks up Tommy's diaper and tapes it back onto Tommy's bottom.]

Stu: "There you go, good as new!"

[Stu walks back into the kitchen. Tommy then removes his diaper and tosses it out of the playpen. Stu turns around and picks the diaper back up.]

Stu: "Tommy!"

[Stu walks up to Tommy and tapes his diaper back onto his bottom again. He then turns around and tries to walk away.]

Stu: "Now, just keep it on this time, and..."

[Before Stu can finish, Tommy removes his diaper and tosses it out of the playpen again. Stu picks up the diaper and turns to face Tommy.]

Stu: "Tommy, I'm not kidding!"

[Stu walks up to Tommy and tapes the diaper back onto his bottom again. He turns around and tries to walk away again, but Tommy removes his diaper and tosses it out of the playpen again. This time, the diaper lands on Stu's head. Didi walks in and sees Stu with Tommy's diaper on his head.]

Didi: "Get that thing off your head, you're going to give Tommy ideas!"

[Stu sighs in frustration.]

Stu: "Deed, what are we going to do? He won't keep it on!"

[Stu grabs Tommy's diaper. In the playpen, Tommy is now seen completely naked, and quite happy at that.]

Didi: "Stu, it's nothing to worry about. It's perfectly natural!"

[As Stu talks to Didi, he tapes Tommy's diaper back onto his bottom one last time.]

Stu: "Natural?! You think running around with no clothes on is natural?! I don't know what kind of family you're from, Deed, but in my family we wore clothes! Cept' of course, for Great Aunt Lois, but that's another story."
Didi: "Well, according to Lipschitz, 'The spontaneous shedding of clothing by infants is a natural outgrowth of their desire to control their physical environment and explore their personal space'."
Stu: "What does that mean?"
Didi: "It's just a phase! He'll grow out of it, probably before kindergarten.
Stu: "Probably?!"

[As Stu and Didi walk back into the kitchen, Tommy removes his diaper and tosses it out of the playpen one last time. Didi and Stu are now at the front door, and Didi opens it. Betty is on the other side, carrying Phil and Lil in her arms.]

Betty: "Hiya, Deed! Say, how's Lou's speech coming?"

[As Didi talks to Betty, they and Stu all walk towards the playpen.]

Didi: Oh, it's coming along fine, Betty, but he's very nervous!

[Betty sets Phil and Lil down in the playpen, where Tommy is sitting completely naked. Betty, Stu, and Didi all walk into the kitchen.]

Stu: "Well, you know, he is receiving an award in front of the full assembly of the fraternal order of Wombats!"
Betty: Whoa!"

[Phil and Lil look at each other, then at Tommy.]

Lil: "You look different, Tommy."
Phil: "Yeah, Tommy! Do you have a new tooth?"
Tommy: "No."
Lil: "Did you get a haircut?"
Tommy: "Nope."
Phil: "I know! You're buck naked!"

[Phil points at Tommy, who stands up.]

Lil: "Why aren't you wearing your clothes, Tommy?"
Phil: "Are you taking a bath?"
Tommy: "No. I just didn't want to wear my clothes, so I got rid of em'!"
Lil: "How come you don't want to wear them?"
Tommy: "Let me ask you this, Lil, how come you do?"

[Tommy points at Lil.]

Lil: "Huh?"

[Tommy turns to face Phil.]

Tommy: "Phil, why do you wear clothes?"
Phil: "Well, I guess..."
Tommy: "Why are any of us wearing clothes? All they're good for is getting dirty or wet, and then your Mom has to change you, and she yanks your shirt up over your head and it hurts your ears!"

[Phil and Lil look down at their clothes and pull on them in concern.]

Lil: "But..."
Tommy: "And why do they do it? So they can put a new shirt on you the next day and say how cute it looks, but it's not cute! It's just hot and itchy!"
Phil: "But..."

[Tommy steps forward.]

Tommy: "Don't you see, Phil and Lil?"
Lil: "Yeah, we see, all right."
Tommy: "You don't have to wear clothes!"

[Phil and Lil gasp as Tommy does a cartwheel.]

Tommy: "Or diapers!"

[Phil and Lil cover their mouths as they gasp again.]

Tommy: "You can be free!"
Phil and Lil: "Yay!"

[Tommy runs up to Phil and Lil.]

Tommy: "Come on, guys, you can do it, too! Just try it, it feels great!"
Phil: "Well, maybe."

[Phil grunts as he pulls on Lil's shoe. He manages to pull it off, and Lil sighs in relief.]

Lil: I feel better already!

[Phil and Lil both grunt as Phil manages to pull Lil's sock off. Phil then tosses his shirt in the air, and his sock, diaper, and shirt all land near his pants. Phil and Lil are now naked, and they look at each other in shock.]

Lil: "Phillip!"
Phil: "Lillian!"
Tommy: "Um, Lil, could I ask you a question?"

[Stu is now at the front door. He opens it, and Chas is on the other side, carrying Chuckie. Chas walks in.]

Chas: "Hey, Stu! Where's the man of the hour? Still practicing his speech?"

[Chas and Stu walk into the living room, and up to the playpen.]

Stu: "Yeah, he's... Aaaah! Now they're all doing it!"

[Tommy, Phil, and Lil are all standing naked in the playpen.]

Chas: "Ha! Going through that spontaneous shedding of clothing stage, huh?

[Chuckie looks at Tommy, Phil, and Lil, and frowns.]

Chas: "Ah, don't worry, it's just a natural outgrowth of their desire to control their physical environment and explore their personal space."

[Chas sets Chuckie down, and he and Stu walk into the kitchen.]

Stu: "That's what Didi said!"

[Tommy, Phil, and Lil all look down at Chuckie.]

Lil: Something wrong, Chuckie?"
Phil: "Are you okay?"
Chuckie: "What have you done, you guys?! What have you done?!"
Tommy: "What do you mean, Chuckie?"
Chuckie: "Oh, don't think I haven't noticed, Tommy! You're all totally nakie!"
Tommy: "So, what's wrong with that?"
Chuckie: "You can't just go around without any clothes on!"
Tommy: "Why not?"
Chuckie: "Cause'... your parents put em' on you, that's why!"
Tommy: "So?"
Phil and Lil: "Yeah, so?"

[Chuckie points at Tommy, Phil, and Lil.]

Chuckie: "Well... they spend a lot of time puttin' em' on you, so they must have a pretty good reason!"
Tommy: "Maybe they put em' on us, so we can practice taking em' off!"
Chuckie: "I don't think that's the reason, Tommy! I... I... Oh, I don't know."
Tommy: Come on, Chuckie, take em' off!

[Phil walks up to Chuckie.]

Phil: "Yeah, it's fun!"
Tommy: "What's the matter, Chuckie? Need any help?"
Chuckie: "No, I don't need help, cause' I don't want to be nakie! It's just not natural!"

[Chuckie lies down on his side.]

Tommy: "But, Chuckie, all the best people are nakie!"

[Spike jumps into the playpen. Tommy walks up to him.]

Tommy: "Look, Spike is nakie, and Susie's cat is nakie, and even Reptar's nakie!"
Chuckie: "Well, I guess if Reptar's nakie..."

[Chuckie stands up. He pulls up his shirt, but it gets stuck. He grunts as he tries to get it off, but to no avail. He runs away, and Betty runs in, shocked to find Phil and Lil naked.]

Betty: "Great Yyvone Goulagon! What's going on here! Philly, Lilly, you're nudists!"

[Betty picks up Phil and Lil. Didi walks in from the kitchen.]

Didi: "Betty! I'm surprised at you. I mean, they're just babies. Lipschitz says..."

[Before Didi can finish, Betty picks up the pile of Phil and Lil's clothes.]

Betty: Don't start with that hippie Lipschitz, Deed!

[Betty walks up to Didi and holds Phil and Lil's clothes up to her face.]

Betty: "I don't know what kind of baby commune you're trying to run here, but it's time to face facts; the sixties are over, and we lost! So just get with the program, all right?!"

[Betty walks away, taking Phil, Lil, and their clothes with her. She slams the front door angrily. Chuckie continues grunting, and Didi looks down at him. She pulls his shirt back down, and walks back into the kitchen. Tommy walks up to Chuckie.]

Chuckie: "We're never gonna see Phil and Lil again!"
Tommy: "Oh, sure we are, Chuckie."
Chuckie: I don't think their mom's gonna let em' come back, all cause of you makin' em' get nakie, Tommy!"

[Chuckie turns to face Tommy and points at him.]

Tommy: "I don't care what anybody says, Chuckie! Nakie is good, nakie is free, nakie is... nakie!"
Chuckie: "Oh!"

[In the kitchen, Stu, Didi, and Chas are eating cereal from a bowl.]

Didi: "I can't believe Betty reacted like that!"
Stu: "Of course she reacted like that; our son's become the high priest of baby nudism!"
Chas: "Well, I wouldn't worry, guys, it's just a phase!"

[As Didi talks, Chas eats a piece of cereal.]

Didi: "Yes, but it's a phase that's not going over too well with the neighbors!"
Stu: "And what if he gets naked tonight at Pop's dinner? How's the Royal Order of Wombats gonna react to that?"

[As Didi talks to Stu, she flips through a book.]

Didi: You know, I've got Dr. Lipschitz's phone number. Maybe I'd better give him a call."

[Didi gets out of her chair and walks towards the phone.]

Stu: "You do that, Deed. I'm gonna take more practical steps!"

[Stu gets out of his chair and walks into the living room. Chas continues eating cereal as Stu walks up to Tommy.]

Stu: "You're coming with me, champ!"

[Stu picks Tommy up. Chuckie looks sadly at Tommy, and Tommy waves sadly back at him as Stu carries him away. Back at the kitchen, Didi is dialing Dr. Lipschitz's phone number.]

Didi: "Dr. Lipschitz will know what to do! After all, he wrote the book."

[As the dial tone sounds, Chas continues eating cereal.]

Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "Hello, this is Dr. Lipschitz."
Didi: "Oh, hello, Dr. Lipschitz! This is..."
Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "Thank you for calling the Dr. Lipschitz Baby Talk hotline.

[Didi frowns upon realizing that the Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine has answered her call.]

Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "If you have a question about nutrition, press one now!"

[Didi flinches in question. In the basement, Tommy is lying down on a table as Stu measures him with a measuring tape.]

Stu: "I'll show em'! I'll show em' all! No son of mine is gonna go through life ridiculed for a trivial but conspicuous breach of the social contract!"

[Stu writes Tommy's measurement down on a clipboard. He then picks up a pair of pliers, a flathead screwdriver, and a tube of rubber cement, and carries them all towards Tommy. Back in the kitchen, Chas continues eating cereal as Didi, still on the phone, paces the kitchen floor.]

Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "You have pressed six; distressing baby behavior. If your baby seems to laugh at inappropriate moments, press one now!"
Didi: "Oh!"

[Back in the basement, various tools are seen above the blueprints for Stu's newest invention. Stu grunts as he stretches out some rubber. When it snaps back, Tommy, who has pieces of Stu's invention under him, giggles. Back in the kitchen, Didi is still on the phone, and is sitting in a chair as Chas continues eating cereal.]

Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "If your baby has been spontaneously shedding his or her clothing, please press nine now."
Didi: "Finally!"

[Didi presses 9 on the phone. She then picks up a pencil, preparing to write down whatever advice the Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine gives her.]

Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "You have pressed nine. The spontaneous shedding of clothing by infants is a natural outgrowth of their desire to control their physical environment and explore their personal space."

[Didi, realizing this advice is the exact same advice listed in Dr. Lipschitz's books, doesn't bother writing it down. She then stares angrily.]

Dr. Lipschitz Answering Machine: "Thank you for calling the Dr. Lipschitz Baby Talk hotline. You will be charged $1.95 for the first minute, and 95¢ for each additional minute."
Didi: "Oh!"
Stu: "Deed, Chas, the problem is solved!"

[Didi presses a button on the phone that stops the call. Stu sets Tommy down on the table. In addition to his diaper and shirt, Tommy is also wearing Stu's new invention, the Pickles Baby Suspenders, a restraining device specially designed to keep babies from taking their clothes off.]

Stu: "Thanks to my new invention, the Pickles Baby suspenders!"
Didi: They're cute, Stu, but I don't see..."

[As Stu talks to Didi, Tommy stares angrily at the baby suspenders.]

Stu: "These straps are caibrated to Tommy's weight and level of physical development. Strong enough to keep Tommy from pulling them off, but..."

[Stu pulls on one of the supports of Tommy's baby suspenders, which lets off some steam.]

Stu: "Buffered to prevent any discomfort! This could be a whole new division for Pickles Toys!"
Didi: Well, I'm not sure it's the fashion statement of the year, but I must say it's a relief! At least we'll be able to take Tommy to Pop's dinner."

[That evening, at the Wombat Lodge, the Wombat President presents Lou with the Golden Marsupial award.]

Wombat President: And so, on behalf of the Wombat Club of Winter Haven County, I present this year's Golden Marsupial Award to Lou Pickles!"

[As Lou walks up to the podium, Everyone applauds, including Stu, Didi, Tommy and Chuckie. The Wombat president pins the Golden Marsupial badge onto Lou's sash, and the other members of the Wombat Club, who are all wearing the club hat, applaud. When they stop applauding, Lou begins his speech.]

Lou: "Friends, family, and fellow Wombats, there's one reason, and one reason only why I'm standing at this podium today, receiving the highest honor that the exalted order of Wombats can bestow."

[As Lou continues his speech, Tommy grunts as he pulls on the supports of his baby suspenders, trying to pull them off, but to no avail, as they are too strong. Chuckie shrugs, and Tommy clenches his fists.]

Lou: "It's not because I was born rich, ho ho, oh, no! Far from it! Or because I've been lucky. My poker buddies can tell you that's certainly not the case!

[As Lou continues his speech, Tommy ducks under the table. Chuckie follows him.]

Lou: "The reason I'm here tonight, Is that I possess a quality that's come to me for quite a while..."
Tommy: "I gotta get out of this thing!"
Chuckie: "How, Tommy? How? A regular old diaper, sure, but that thing?"
Tommy: "There's gotta be a way!"

['Tommy grunts as he pulls on the chains of his baby suspenders, but to no avail, as they are too strong.]

Lou: "Yes please, ladies and gentlemen, when Louis Kalhern Pickles comes face to face with a problem, he doesn't cry about it, he solves it!"

[Back under the table, Tommy tries to reach the mechanism on the back of his suspenders.]

Chuckie:" I don't know, Tommy, I think you're gonna be stuck in your clothes forever!"

[Chuckie looks behind Tommy.]

Lou: "No one hands you your freedom on a silver platter. If you want it, you gotta reach out, and take it!"

[As Lou continues his speech, Tommy reaches out from under the table, grabs a fork, and pulls it under the table.]

Lou:" That was true for our founding fathers, and it's true for us!

[Tommy grunts as he uses the fork to reach the mechanism on the back of his baby suspenders. The mechanism falls apart, and it loosens the baby suspenders, enabling Tommy to get them off. Tommy and Chuckie look happily at each other.]

Lou: "Cause' unless you earn your freedom, you'll never learn to appreciate it, no Sir!"

[Above the table, everyone is bored of Lou's speech. Stu and Didi have fallen asleep. Back under the table, Tommy is now completely naked.]

Tommy: "Chuckie, I'm going out there!"

[Chuckie covers his eyes and shakes his head in disapproval as Tommy walks away.]

Lou: "There's some hard work in quality!"

[As Lou continues his speech, Tommy crawls out from under the table and prepares to walk up to him.]

Lou: "In closing, my friends, I would like to give you a few words of advice, and it's simply this..."

[As Tommy walks past the other members of the Wombat Club, they gasp and stare at him.]

Lou: "Don't be afraid of the naked truth! Cause' when you get down to the bare bones of life, you find out the truth is all we've got!"

[A lady gasps at Tommy, and her husband covers her eyes.]

Lou: "It's like the man said, 'Clothes don't make the man, the man...'"

[Before Lou can finish, Tommy climbs up the stairs to the podium. Lou gasps, as does the other members of the Wombat Lodge, and Chas. One lady has a pair of binoculars, which she looks through. Stu and Didi are now awake and have their full attention at Tommy.]

Stu: "Tommy?"
Didi: "Oh no, Stu!'
Stu: "Don't panic, Deed! We'll just pretend he isn't ours!"

[Lou picks up Tommy and laughs. Chuckie emerges from under the table and smiles.]

Lou: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you all to meet my grandson, Tommy Pickles!"

[Everone applauds, save for Didi, who just shrugs. Tommy giggles as he picks up Lou's hat and puts it on his head. The next morning, at the Pickles' house, Lou, who has the Golden Marsupial Award on his shirt, walks up to Didi and Stu, who are reading a newspaper with a headline that says, HOME. A box of Corrugated Branpuffs from "Incident in Aisle Seven" can be seen on the table.]

Lou: "You know, I've gotten so many phone calls today!"
Didi: "They liked your speech, Pop?"
Lou: "No, they hated my speech! But they think my grandson's the cutest little thing they ever saw, with or without clothes!"

[Lou laughs and walks away. Stu and Didi look at each other and shrug. The screen transitions to a view of Tommy, who is now wearing his diaper and shirt, and talking to Chuckie.]

Tommy: "So, I finally figured, there's lots of good reasons to wear clothes! They keep us warm..."
Chuckie: "Yeah, but Tommy,"
Tommy: "They keep the dirt off us..."
Chuckie: "But Tommy,"
Tommy: Sometimes they even look nice!
Chuckie: "But..."
Tommy: "Chuckie, I know Spike's nakie, I know Reptar's nakie, but we're not aminals, and we gotta wear clothes!"

[Tommy jumps, splashing some water, which is used as a transition to the next scene, revealing that he and Chuckie are in the bathtub. While Tommy is wearing his diaper and shirt, Chuckie is bathing naked (save for his glasses). Tommy splashes water in the bathtub.]

Chuckie: "Well, whatever makes you happy!"

[Tommy splashes water on Chuckie, who grunts. Didi walks in, carrying a purple towel. She picks up Chuckie and carries him out of the bathtub, while Tommy, who is now holding a bucket, puts it on his head and giggles. He continues splashing water as the screen fades to black, ending the episode.]

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