The Baby Vanishes Gallery Transcript

[The episode begins with a close-up of Angelica's lips as she puts lipstick on them. Angelica is revealed to be at Charlotte's vanity as she hums as she puts pink blush on her cheeks and blue eyeliner on her eyes. As she looks at herself in the mirror, Drew walks in, and gasps when he sees her playing with Charlotte's makeup.]

Drew: "Angelica! What are you doing?"

[Angelica looks up at Drew.]

Angelica: "Hi, Daddy! Don't I look pretty?"
Drew: "Oh, this time, you're in big trouble, kiddo!"

[Angelica sniffles sadly.]

Angelica: You mean you don't love me anymore, Daddy?"
Drew: [after hearing that, he stops frowning and becomes apologetic] "You know Daddy loves you more than anything, Sweetheart!"
Angelica: "So you're not gonna punish me?"
Drew: "Of course not. We'll just straighten up a bit and Mommy probably won't even notice! Okay?"

[Drew picks up two jars of make-up and puts them down. The lid comes off of one of them.]

Angelica: "Okeydoke!"

[Drew picks up the jar of OLEO brand vanishing cream with no lid on it. He puts the lid back on it as he talks to Angelica.]

Drew: "In the future, Angel, Daddy would appreciate if you didn't play with Mommy's $95.00-an-ounce Oil of Oleo Vanishing Cream, okay?"
Angelica: "What's vanishing cream?"

[Drew puts the jar of vanishing cream on the table as he talks to Angelica.]

Drew: "Well, vanishing cream... well, it's something that grown-up people use to make things, uh... invisible!"

[Drew picks up a brush in one hand and a bottle of make-up in another.]

Angelica: "Invistible? What kind of things?"

[As Drew talks to Angelica, he re-arranges the make-up on Charlotte's vanity.]

Drew: "Oh, unsightly liver spots, age marks, stuff like that."
Angelica: "Does it really work?"
Drew: "Well, no," (as he whispers to Angelica) "But your mother likes to pretend it does."

[Drew picks up Charlotte's makeup palette and takes it away.]

Angelica: "Hmmm."

[Angelica now has a devious grin on her face. The screen transitions to an overhead view in the kitchen of Tommy's house as Stu and Didi are at the table, setting up a board game. Chas, who is holding a coffee mug, walks up to them. Stu puts the spinner in the center of the board, then the doorbell rings.]

Stu: "That's probably Drew. Hope he's in the mood to lose!"

[Stu walks up to Didi, who is reading from an issue of CHILDISH BEHAVIOR magazine.]

Stu: "Neurosis is the toughest game around!

[Stu walks away, then Chas walks up to Didi.]

Didi: "Look, Charles!"
Chas: "Oh, a Lipschitz quiz column! Hmmm!"
Angelica (heard offscreen): "Hello, Mr. Finster!"

[Angelica skips into the kitchen. Drew walks behind her, carrying a boxed pie.]

Angelica: "Hi, Aunt Didi!"

[Didi is seen reading from a page that says, IS YOUR CHILD A... SPOILED BRAT?.]

Didi: "Hello, Angelica."
Drew: "See you later, Precious!"

[Angelica skips into the living room. Drew looks over at Didi and Chas.]

Drew: "Hi, Deed, Chas. Hey, brought some dessert for later. Humble pie for Stu, chocolate cream for the rest of us."

[Stu walks up to Drew and stares angrily at him upon hearing his pie. He then sits down. As Didi talks to Drew, Chas drinks from his coffee mug.]

Didi: "That sounds lovely, Drew. But before we start playing, Charles and I found this Dr. Lipschitz quiz in Child Behavior Monthly."

[Drew sets his boxed pie on the counter.]

Drew: "Really?"
Chas: "Yeah!" (As he picks up the magazine) "Fifty ways to tell if your child is a spoiled brat!"

[Drew walks up to the table and sits down in an empty chair.]

Drew: "Oh boy, you'd think no one would need a quiz for that!"

[Drew chuckles. In the playpen, Chuckie is trying to put two wooden blocks together as Tommy stares at him. Angelica walks up to them and sighs.]

Angelica: "Look at you babies playing games in your little pen while the whole, big world passes you by! Don't you even care what you're missing?"
Chuckie: "Nope!"
Tommy: "What are we missing?"

[Angelica opens the playpen and walks in.]

Angelica: "Oh, freedom. Inderplendence. Chocolate pie."
Chuckie: "Chocolate pie?!"

[Angelica points to the kitchen.]

Angelica: "It's over there. Why don't you go get some?"

[The camera moves over to Drew's boxed pie, then to the adults sitting at the table.]

Chuckie (heard offscreen): "Tommy, all the growed-ups are in there! We'll get in trouble!"
Angelica: "Oh, well. Guess there's no way to get any pie, then. Unless no one could see you do it!"
Tommy: "But how?"
Angelica: "Banishing cream, of course!"
Tommy: "Of course! What's banishing cream?"
Angelica: "It's just some stuff that makes you invistible! But I can see you babies are too young to be interested."
Chuckie: "That's right!"
Tommy: "No, Angelica! We wanna know! What's invistible?"
Angelica: "It means no one can see you."
Chuckie: "I don't get it!"
Angelica: "Oh, for cryin' out loud! It's like the wind, Chuckie!"

[Angelica walks up to Tommy's ball and picks it up.]

Angelica: "You know how the wind can move leaves around and push your ball and even blow houses over?"
Chuckie: "Yeah."

[Angelica walks up to Chuckie.]

Angelica: "Well, have you ever seen the wind?"
Chuckie: "Uh, no."
Angelica: "That's cause it's invistible!"

[Tommy stands up.]

Tommy: "I get it! If we use banishing cream, we could blow over houses, just like the wind!"

[Angelica scoffs.]

Angelica: "No, Tommy! Come on, I'll splain' it to you!"

[The camera cuts to an overhead view as Angelica walks out of the playpen. It then moves over to the kitchen, where Chas, Stu, Didi, and Drew are all taking the Dr. Lipschitz quiz.]

Chas: "49: Has the S.W.A.T. team responded to one of your child's temper tantrums in the past six months?"

[Drew writes down his answer, then wimpers as he nervously erases it.]

Chas: "Number 50: Has your youngster made at least two of the last three major purchasing decisions in your household?"

[As Stu and Didi write down their answers, the camera moves over to Drew, who has his pencil in his mouth. He wimpers, then writes down his answer.]

Drew: "Was that the last one?"
Chas: "Yep. Now, add up your score."
Didi: "Oh, dear. We answered 'Yes' to one of the questions. I hope we haven't spoiled Tommy too much!"

[Didi looks over at Chas.]

Chas: "Oh, don't worry, I marked four myself. And Lipschitz says up to ten is perfectly normal."

[Drew nervously looks over his score sheet, then at Stu, Didi, and Chas. He puts his pencil down.]

Drew: "So, anyone up for a rousing game of Neurosis?"
Stu: "How many'd you mark, Drew?"
Drew: "Oh, I don't put too much stock in these things."

[Chas takes Drew's score sheet and looks over it.]

Chas: "Forty-nine?!"

[Drew takes his score sheet back.]

Drew: "Well, actually... uh... Forty-nine and a half."

[Stu, Didi, and Chas all stare at Drew in shock.]

Stu: "Ah, what's a little magazine quiz, anyway?"
Didi: "It was just for laughs."
Chas: "Yeah, sometimes even Dr. Lipschitz can be..."
Drew: "Oh, let's face it! Angelica's a spoiled little brat and everyone knows it! How could this have happened?"

[As Drew continues talking, he gets out of his seat and nervously paces the kitchen.]

Drew: "I mean, is it spoiling a child to buy her a few new toys every day? Or to let her use my Armandi ties as jump ropes? Or to make chocolate chip pancakes for dinner a few nights a week? Huh?"
Stu: "Uh..."
Drew: "I'm a bad father! I've ruined her for life!"
Didi: "Now, calm down, Drew. There is a cure!"
Drew: "There is?"

[Drew walks up to Didi, who is reading the magazine.]

Didi: "Yes. According to Lipschitz, spoiled children crave attention for their negative behavior."

[Drew sits down in his seat.]

Chas: "That's right! All you have to do is stop reinforcing it! Then the child will re-channel his or her energy to more positive modes of expression!"
Drew: "What does that mean?"
Stu: "Just ignore her."
Drew: "Oh."
Chas: "Come on, let's start the game!"

[All the adults begin the play Neurosis. In Stu and Didi's bedroom, the camera moves over to a jar that says, MUD. Tommy and Chuckie climb up to the vanity.]

Tommy: "Which one is the banishing cream?"
Angelica: "Um... it's this one!"

[Angelica picks up the jar that says, MUD.]

Angelica: "Now come on, let's go!"

[Angelica, Tommy, and Chuckie all run out of Stu and Didi's bedroom. In the next scene, they are all in the living room as Angelica puts some of the blue mud on Chuckie's head, then on Tommy's head.]

Angelica: "Okay, you're invistible! Now go get that pie!"
Chuckie: "But Angelica, I don't feel invistible!"

[Angelica gasps and drops the jar of mud.]

Angelica: "Who said that?"
Chuckie: "I did!"
Angelica: "See, you're invistible!"

[Tommy walks up to Chuckie.]

Tommy: "No, he's not! I can still see him!"
Chuckie: "Yeah, I can see me, too!"
Angelica: "Of course you can see each other, you're both invistible!"
Tommy and Chuckie: "Huh?"
Angelica: "Don't you babies know anything? If you're invistible, then you can see other invistible people! But if you're not invistible, then you can't!

[Tommy and Chuckie look at each other in confusion, then back at Angelica, who sighs at them.]

Angelica: "Look, go do something and I'll tell you if I can see you!"

[Tommy and Chuckie walk away. Chuckie climbs onto the couch, and Tommy climbs onto the footstool. Tommy briefly loses his balance.]

Tommy: "Whoa!"

[Angelica walks aimlessly, pretending Tommy and Chuckie really are invisible.]

Angelica: "Hey, where are you guys?"
Tommy: "We're right here, Angelica!"
Tommy: "Wow, you sure fooled me! I can't see you on the footstool, Tommy, or you over on the couch, Chuckie!"
Chuckie: "Wow, Tommy, she's looking right at us, and she can't see us!"
Tommy: "See? We're invistible! Let's go get the pie!"

[Tommy jumps off the footstool. He and Chuckie walk into the kitchen, and Angelica follows behind him, holding Cynthia.]

Angelica: "This is too great! I can't watch! Yes, I can! Ha ha ha!"

[As Tommy and Chuckie walk into the kitchen, all the adults are occupied playing Neurosis.]

Stu: "Player number one can only move counter-clockwise when all other players are frozen behind the penalty line."

[As Stu looks over the rules, Chuckie picks Tommy up, and Tommy tries to grab the boxed pie.]

Didi: "These are the most complicated rules I ever heard! Go back to the part about scoring in reverse alphabetical order!"
Angelica: "I don't get it! Every time I try to get pie, I always get caught!"

[Tommy and Chuckie, both of whom are carrying the boxed pie, walk out of the kitchen.]

Angelica [heard offscreen]: "How'd they do that?"
Tommy: "Here's your pie, Angelica!"

[Chuckie opens the box.]

Angelica: "They didn't see you at all!

[Tommy and Chuckie begin eating the pie.]

Tommy: "Of course not; we're invistible!"
Chuckie: "Yeah, we never would have gone and took this pie if they could have seed us!"
Angelica: "But, but... Hey, wait a minute! Now, I understand! Grown-ups can't see you!"
Chuckie: "Right, we're invistible!"

[Tommy and Chuckie belch.]

Angelica: "Okay, you don't need to be invistible anymore!"

[Angelica wipes the blue mud off of Tommy and Chuckie, then she picks up the jar of blue mud and hands it to Tommy.]

Angelica: "Put the rest of this banishing cream on me! I got a few invistible things to do myself!"
Tommy: "Okay."

[Tommy and Chuckie put some of the blue mud on Angelica.]

Angelica: "Use it all! I wanna be really invistible!"

[Tommy and Chuckie put more of the blue mud on Angelica and Cynthia, until they are completely covered in it.]

Angelica: "Great! Come on, Cynthia!"

[Angelica tries to walk away, but Chuckie stops her.]

Chuckie: "Uh, Angelica, I can still see you!"
Angelica: "You babies don't know anything about being invistible! This cream only makes you invistible to grown-ups!"
Tommy: "Then how come you can't see us?"

[Angelica walks up to Tommy and Chuckie.]

Angelica: "Well, I am a grown-up compared to you."

[Tommy and Chuckie look at each other.]

Tommy and Chuckie: "Oh!"
Angelica: "Now amscray! Cynthia and I got plans!"

[Angelica walks into the kitchen. All the adults see her and stare at her in shock.]

Drew: "What the?"

[Before Drew can get up, Didi grabs his shoulder.]

Didi: "Ah ah ah, Drew! Don't re-inforce! Remember Dr. Lipschitz!'
Drew: "But she's covered in..."
Angelica: "I think it's working, Cynthia!"

[Angelica walks up to Drew, who takes a relapse chip off the board, until Chas, who is holding up a card that says, YOU ARE NOT NORMAL, stops him.]

Chas: "Hey, you're not supposed to take a relapse chip until you've gotten a marker into the home square!"

[Drew puts the relapse chip down.]

Drew: "Uh-huh."

[Angelica takes the score pad, and Drew gasps when he sees this. Angelica runs away and hides behind the counter.]

Drew: "Did you see?"
Didi: "Yes, Drew. I did see that great move you made! How many points is it?"
Drew: "Well, I don't know how many points it is, Didi! Why don't you check the score pad?!"
Angelica: I'm really invistible! This is great!"

[Angelica laughs as she runs around the table.]

Drew: "There's something very W-E-I-R-D going on here."
Didi: "Uh-uh, Drew. Everything's F-I-N-E."

[Didi gasps as Angelica takes her glasses. Angelica puts them on her head and runs away as Didi reaches for them.]

Didi: "Stu, honey, have you seen my glasses?"

[Didi winks at Stu.]

Stu: "Why, no, dear. Wherever could they be?"

[Angelica runs up to Stu and puts Didi's glasses on his head. She then runs away.]

Stu: "Oh, my. Here they are. I found them."
Tommy: "Angelica's invistible, all right!"
Chuckie: "Yeah, good thing, too!"

[Back in the kitchen, Stu drinks from a glass of carrot juice, until Angelica takes it from him.]

Stu: "What?"

[Angelica pours the carrot juice from the glass into Stu's lap and giggles.]

Stu: "My carrot juice!"
Didi: "Yes, you've finished the whole glass! Would you like some more, dear?"
Stu: "Eh, no thanks."
Drew (whispering to Didi): "This is ridiculous. Even I can't let her get away with this!"
Didi (whispering to Drew): "Drew, be firm! You've started using discipline, you have to follow through it, or she'll never learn!"
Drew (whispering to Didi): "Okay, okay!"

[Drew scoots his chair back, and Angelica, who is carrying a stepladder with Spike's food bowl on top of it, walks up to him. She picks up Spike's food bowl and puts it on Drew's head. Didi gasps when she sees this. Drew clenches his teeth, then Didi and Stu both gasp. Angelica is now holding scissors, and she uses them to cut Drew's tie. She jumps away as Drew picks up the severed piece of his tie, then she laughs. Before he can speak, Didi gets out of her chair.]

Didi: "Why don't I serve that pie now?"

[Didi walks up to the counter, only to find out the pie is no longer there.]

Didi: "Hmmm."

[The camera moves over to Angelica, who is talking to Cynthia, who is seated on a stool.]

Angelica: "They can't hear me, neither! I was laughin' and laughin' and they didn't even notice!"

[Angelica runs up to Drew.]

Angelica: "I'm invistible! I'm invistible! Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!"

[Angelica climbs onto Drew's lap and makes faces at him. As she talks to him, Stu and Chas continue playing Neurosis.]

Angelica: "Know what, Daddy? You didn't lose your office papers, I threw them out the car window on the freeway, cause' you made me eat broccoli! Isn't that funny?"

[Angelica laughs as Drew continues to grit his teeth.]

Drew: "Oh!"

[Angelica runs away as Chas picks up a card.]

Chas: "30 points for me!"

[Drew faints and his head lands on the table. Angelica runs back to Tommy and Chuckie, who are back in the playpen with the empty box.]

Angelica: "Did you see that? I can do anything I want, cause' I'm invistible! And I'll never get in any trouble for it!"

[Didi walks up to the playpen.]

Didi: "I wonder if a little girl named Angelica took the pie."

[Didi picks up the empty box.]

Didi: "I guess the rest of us will just have to have cookies instead."

[Didi walks away, carrying the empty box.]

Angelica: "Aunt Didi, I get a cookie, too, right!"

[Didi returns, carrying two cookies' one for Tommy, and one for Chuckie.]

Didi: "Here you are, boys! Enjoy!"

[Didi hands Tommy and Chuckie their cookies, then walks away.]

Angelica: "Aunt Didi! I don't want to be invistible anymore! Can't you see me now?"

[Angelica runs up to Didi and pulls on her dress.]

Angelica: "Aunt Didi, where's my cookie!"

[Angelica falls over.]

Didi: "Hmmm. I thought I heard a little voice. But I guess it was just the wind."

[Didi walks away as Angelica stares sadly at her. Angelica then walks sadly back to Tommy and Chuckie.]

Tommy: "Angelica, if you don't want to be invistible anymore, why don't you just wipe the cream off?"

[Tommy rubs his cheeks. Angelica stands back up when she hears this.]

Angelica: "For once, you babies got a good idea!"

[Angelica grabs Tommy's shirt and tries to wipe her face with it, but by this point, the blue mud has dried up, and won't come off.]

Angelica: "It won't come off!"

[Angelica lets go of Tommy's shirt, pushing Tommy back.]

Angelica: "Oh, no! What if I stay invistible for the rest of my life?"
Tommy: "But Angelica..."
Angelica: "It's no use trying to cheer me up, Tommy. We belong in different worlds now. I just wish I had one more chance!"

[As Drew talks to Didi, Didi dunks a cookie into her mug of hot chocolate.]

Drew: "I can't believe she threw out the Olsen report. It was a multi-million dollar account!"
Didi: "Drew, she's just a child! Children make mistakes."
Drew: "Well, she's not gonna get away with this one!"

[Drew gets out of his seat, then Didi picks up the magazine.]

Didi: "Drew, Lipschitz says..."
Drew: "Lipschitz never had the Olsen account!"
Angelica: "Now that I'm gone, you'll get all the attention, Tommy! Soon, everyone will forget about poor old invistible Angelica!"

[As Angelica continues talking to Tommy, Drew walks up to her.]

Angelica: "I just wish I could tell my Daddy that I love him, and that I didn't mean to make him mad,"

[Drew stares in shock when he hears how Angelica really feels about him, then smiles.]

Angelica: "And that he's the best Daddy in the whole, wide world, and... and..."

[Before Angelica can finish, Drew picks her up.]

Drew: "Oh, poor sweetheart! You have learned your lesson!"
Angelica: "Daddy! You can see me!"
Drew: "Sure, Honey, and I can see that you've been punished enough!"
Angelica: "I sure have, and all that punishing sure makes me hungry!"
Drew: "Well, let's go clean you up, and I'll buy you an ice cream cone, Honey!"

[Tommy and Chuckie watch as Drew walks away, carrying Angelica.]

Angelica: "I want a sundae with chocolate sauce and marshmallows and peanuts and candy sprinkles!"

[As Angelica continues talking to Drew, he opens the front door and walks out it. He then walks into his car.]

Angelica: "A Rocco Mr. X Exploding Smash-up doll! A Beverly Hills Cynthia lunch box! The complete Samurai Lizard action set! A commander build-your-own water slide center! A pony!"

[As Angelica continues talking, Drew starts up his car. The screen fades to black, ending the episode.]

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