| The Dog Broomer | Gallery | Transcript |
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(scene opens up with a closeup of an eye blinking and the sounds of buzzing, it pulls back showing Spike and countless reflections coming from a fly bathing in a puddle, Spike tries to stomp on it with his foot, but gets himself wet, more flies from the garbage buzz around Spike, who barks, he chases them then pants out of breath then rolls over, Tommy and Chuckie watch him in the backyard from the storm door)
Tommy: It isn't fair. Spike gets to have all the fun.
Chuckie: What do you mean, Tommy? I thought we were having fun, too.
Tommy: It's different out there, Chuckie. Out there's where the real fun is.
Chuckie: The real fun?
Tommy: Places where only Spike can go--secret fun places.
Chuckie: Wow!
(scene cuts to Stu putting in a VHS titled "The Mermanator" in the VCR before sitting with Didi with a bowl of popcorn)
Grandpa Lou: (joins them): So, what's this picture called again? (almost sits on Stu's popcorn)
Stu: (grabs the bowl): "The Mermanator", pop. (Lou grabs some of popcorn and eats it) It's a new sci-fi musical. The bald guy gave it thumbs up.
Grandpa Lou: Yeah? Well, I'll bet the fat guy hated it.
Didi: Shh! It's starting!
(as they watch the movie, Spike is begging to come back in as he barks, Lou expects Stu or Didi to get Spike, but they have their eyes on the movie)
Grandpa Lou: (annoyed): Alright, I'll get it! You want to hit the pause button?
Stu and Didi: No!
Grandpa Lou: (leaves muttering to get Spike): Sometimes I think that mangy mutt gets treated better than I do. (opens the door for Spike, who whines and wags his tail) Come in Your Majesty.
(Spike comes in and lies down near Stu, Didi and Lou, suddenly Lou sniffs something, Stu and Didi look at Lou still sniffing, he sniffs his armpit to check)
Grandpa Lou: What is that rancid stench?!
Didi: It's not the kids. (Stu and Lou shakes their heads) I just changed them.
Stu: I took the garbage out this morning.
Didi: Whatever it is, it smells very... (sniffs, goes disgusted): Ew... Unsanitary!
Grandpa Lou: Reminds me of a grizzly I once shared a cave with in the Yukon. (stands up): Huge, hairy son-of-a-gun, hadn't bathed for months. Yup, I'd definitely say this odor isn't human. (rubs his neck): It smells like... like...
(Lou, Didi, and Stu look down at a smiling Spike)
Stu, Didi, and Lou: (point accusingly at Spike, in unison): Dog!
(Spike barks, next scene cuts to Didi with a phonebook as she sits at her desk)
Didi: (flips through pages): Now let's see... Dentures, dieticians, dirigibles, dishwashers... (Tommy and Chuckie watch her) Aha! Dog grooming. (chuckles, looks at the pages): Oodles of Poodles, Jose Schnauzer's Hair Salon, Vidal Baboon's Wildlife Studio... Oh, now, here we go--Von Helsen's European Dog Grooming. Perfect!
Tommy: Dog brooming? What's that?
Chuckie: I don't know, Tommy, but it sounds scary.
Didi: (leans down to Spike, who wags his tail): You, my furry friend, are in for quite a surprise.
(scene switches outside the house, lightning strikes as the whole neighborhood is surrounded with dark clouds from the incoming storm, Phil and Lil are already present with Tommy and Chuckie in the playpen)
Tommy: (stands on a chair): And then he picks up his giant broom and he swings it down. And he sweeps up the doggies into his giant dustpan and you never see 'em ever again.
Chuckie: Gee, Tommy, that's horrible.
Lil: How'd you figure all this out?
Tommy: What else could a dog broomer be?
Phil: Now he's coming to sweep up Spike?
(lightning crashes from outside again)
Tommy: Yeah, and we gotta stop him!
(the babies are worried, suddenly from outside the Pickles house, and old pickup truck drives along the road and stops by the house, a man with a construction helmet and a gas mask is shown breathing, he takes his chainsaw out from the back of the truck and revs it up, Tommy sees him from out the window, he goes shocked as he sees the man approaching the house and ringing the doorbell)
Tommy: (gasps and panics): IT'S HIM!!! IT'S THE DOG BROOMER!!!
Chuckie: What should we do?!
Phil and Lil: HIDE!!
(Lil screams as Phil hides in a cabinet and Chuckie runs and hides into a pile of stuffed animals making a bouncy ball bounce to Tommy, who crawls away, Lil continues screaming until Phil yanks her in the cabinet with him leaving one of Lil's pink shoes left behind, Stu goes to the door and sees the man, Stu goes surprised by his appearance and spits out bits of an apple he is eating)
Bernie: Hiya, Mr. Pickles! It's me, Bernie. I came to take care of that tree trunk in your backyard.
Stu: (mouthful): Oh, great, Bernie. You can't miss it out there. Just be careful in this weather, okay?
Bernie: (happily): Thanks for caring, Mr. Pickles. (leaves to get to work)
(Stu shuts the door and leaves)
Chuckie: (sighs in relief): Phew! I thought that scary man was the dog broomer. (takes the doll off his head)
Phil and Lil: Me too!
(suddenly, the doorbell rings again, the babies gasp in horror)
Tommy: IT'S THE BROOMER!!!
(the babies scream and run off, Phil covers Lil's mouth as the twins run to dining room table and snatch away a tablecloth knocking down a bowl of fruit, Tommy crawls away, Chuckie hides behind a plant, the twins hide themselves with a tablecloth on an armchair, Stu catches Tommy and picks him up)
Stu: Busy day, huh, champ? Let's see who it is.
(Stu walks to the front door as thunder and lightning sounds, Stu opens it, a man with a fedora and trench coat stands outside, Tommy gasps seeing him)
Murphy: How do you do, Mr. Pickles? My name is Murphy. I'm selling... protection.
Stu: (hugs Tommy): Protection? What do you mean?
Murphy: Have you ever considered the possibility that something unfortunate might happen to one of your inventions?
(Tommy gulps nervously)
Stu: Unfortunate? To one of my inventions? (glares suspiciously): Hey, what are you getting at, pal? Is this some kind of a threat?
Murphy: (takes his hat off): A threat?! Oh--oh, my goodness, no, Mr. Pickles! (shows him his card): I sell insurance.
Stu: (takes the card): Insurance! Oh, well, this is a pleasant surprise. Won't you come in? (Murphy does so, puts Tommy down and shows Murphy in to the kitchen): Of course, you realize I want the most comprehensive policy you've got.
Tommy: Phew!
(the babies come out of hiding)
Chuckie: I can't take much more of this, you guys!
(the doorbell rings again, the babies gasp and hide again)
Didi: (looks at her watch): 10:00 on the dot. (walks to the door, singsong): That must be the you-know-who to do the you-know-what. (bops Tommy on the nose)
(Didi opens the door, lightning crashes, a person stands out the door with an umbrella covering the appearance, Tommy gasps in terror, a European lady closes up her umbrella)
Ilsa: (Scandinavian accent): Hello, Mrs. Pickles. I am Ilsa Umlaut, the dog groomer.
(Chuckie and the twins see her)
Didi: Thank you so much for coming, Miss Umlaut. The weather is just awful.
Ilsa: Oh, Mrs. Pickles, in Helsinki, this we would call beach weather! (gasps seeing Spike as she stops him by his neck with her umbrella handle): And this must be the doggie! (she sniffs Spike, who sniffs back and smiles) Ooh, schtinky! (Spike whines at her in fear) Why do you not come say hello to your friend Ilsa? (makes a sinister look): Eh, doggie?
Chuckie: You were right, Tommy. She is really scary.
Lil: I don't know. She seems... kind of nice to me.
(scene cuts to Ilsa and Did at the kitchen)
Ilsa: (gets out her book): Now Mrs. Pickles, we have a wide variety of styles for you to choose from. The Schwarzenegger Special.
Didi: Hmm...
Ilsa: The Dreaded Dreadlocks.
Didi: Mm-hmm...
Ilsa: The Don King.
Didi: (shakes her head disapprovingly): Mm-mm-mm-mm...
Ilsa: Which would you like for your little doggie.
Didi: (looks through the book): Hmm... (Tommy and Spike look at each other, goes delighted on a page): There! That's the one! It's adorable!
(a page shows "The Trident" with a picture of a little dog with a trident hairdo, Ilsa takes the book and shows it to Spike, who yelps in horror and runs off to the living room and up the stair knocking the bouncy ball off the steps)
Didi: I don't know what's gotten into that dog.
Ilsa: (walks up the stairs): Not to worry, Mrs. Pickles. This is the fun part.
Tommy: C'mon, you guys! We gotta save Spike before the mean old broomer gets him!
Lil: She's not so mean, Tommy.
Phil: Yeah! She looks kinda nice.
Tommy: Nice? Nice?! You think she's nice?! (kicks Ilsa's umbrella) C'mon, Chuckie, I guess it's just you and me!
Chuckie: Wait a second, Tommy. Maybe Lil and Phil are right. Maybe the broomer doesn't wanna hurt Spike at all.
Lil: Yeah. Maybe Spike's just being a baby.
Tommy: (climbs up the stair): Okay, then! If you won't help me, I guess I'll just have to save Spike all by myself!
(scene cuts to Ilsa entering the parents' bedroom)
Ilsa: (sniffs): I know you're in here, my little darling. (looks around): Now, if Ilsa were dog, where would Ilsa hide? (sees Spike's tail and walks to him): I wonder if the little doggie could be... (grabs his tail and pulls him): HERE!!!! (drags Spike downstairs): Ilsa's going to make you all clean and nice, jah? (Tommy angrily crawls to her, notices): Well, well, here to help me, are you, little man?
(Tommy gets closer until Didi picks him up)
Didi: There you are, Tommy. Come on. Let's go downstairs and get out of Ilsa's way.
(scene cuts to Ilsa humming and taking a leash as she latches it to Spike and ties the leash around from underneath the table, Spike whines and trembles in fear)
Ilsa: Oh, now, you see, Mrs. Pickles, a good dog groomer always is prepared. (puts down a box on the table, the babies watch this, shows her devices): For instance, we have the doggie hairdryer with heat lamps. (the babies gasp in shock) The puppy steamer. (the babies gasp again) And last, but not least, the spinning doggie lathe for easy clipping. (almost gets Didi with her lathe)
(the babies gasp loudly at this)
Didi: My goodness! I had no idea so much, uh, work was involved.
Ilsa: Work is a naughty word, Mrs. Pickles. Ilsa like to think of it as fun, fun, fun! (leans near a frightened Spike)
Stu: (comes in the kitchen): Hey, Deed, you got to hear what this insurance guy is saying.
Didi: (looks upset): Insurance? I thought we decided no more insurance after we got taken last year.
Stu: No, no, Deed, this is different. (he and Didi leave the room and close the door)
(the babies huddle)
Lil: I guess you were right, Tommy.
Phil: She is gonna do something bad to Spike.
Chuckie: We gotta help him, but how?
Tommy: (paces nervously): I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
Lil: I wish it was some other dog getting broomed and not Spike.
Tommy: (jumps excitedly): That's it!! We'll get another dog to put in Spike's place!
Phil: Another dog?
Chuckie: Where are we gonna get another dog?
Tommy: Wait! I got a idea. (leaves)
(scene cuts to Ilsa getting ready as Spike is nervously in a tub of water, Tommy unties the leash from the table)
Ilsa: Be patient, Spikey. The fun is about to begin. When I get... (gasps in shock seeing a toy dog in the tub, she gasps seeing Spike run off with Tommy riding him, runs after them): COMENZEEE BACK!! (chases them, knocks down the plant and lamp): Come back or you'll wish you'd never been "Bjorn"!! (continues chasing them)
Phil: She's gonna get him!
Chuckie: (covers his eyes): I can't look!
(scene cuts to Stu and Didi with Murphy in the living room)
Stu: So, if the tornado occurs during an earthquake, then we're still covered?
Murphy: Certainly. (Ilsa is shown from outside the door chasing Spike and Tommy) Subject, of course, to the exclusions listed under subhead C, paragraph 14.
Stu: (scratches his head going unsure): Oh, yeah, well, that's understood.
(scene cuts to Spike and Tommy running in the bathroom, Spike skids to a stop and stops seeing Ilsa corner him with a comb and shears)
Ilsa: Now, Ilsa have got you. (clips her shears)
(Spike growls at her, Tommy whispers in his ear)
Tommy: YAH!!!
(Spike runs underneath Ilsa, who grabs him by the leash until she screams getting dragged out of the bathroom)
Stu: (scene cuts to a blueprint): So, if a swarm of African killer bees descends on the house, I'd still be covered?
Murphy: (without noticing the rampage): African? Absolutely.
(Ilsa continues screaming as she gets dragged across the hallway, Tommy covers his eyes as Spike runs underneath a table knocking down a plant, Ilsa is dragged with the table until it releases her from another table full of plants, Ilsa lets go of the leash and tumbles, Spike skids in the kitchen to the refrigerator)
Tommy: What... THERE!! The back door!!
(Spike makes a run for it until Ilsa stops them, Tommy panics)
Ilsa: (goes sinister): Okay, doggie, enough's enough. There is no escape now! (pants)
Tommy: Spike, I think she's got us.
(Spike growls, scene cuts back to Stu and Didi with Murphy)
Stu: I'm telling you, Deed, this is the total insurance umbrella.
Didi: (shakes her head): I don't know.
(Everyone hears Ilsa's scream, the three adults run out to check it out, Ilsa screams again as she falls into a tub of water getting the adults wet, the adults gasp)
Didi: Oh, no!
(Tommy climbs down from Spike)
Ilsa: (smiles nervously): Oh, hello, Mrs. Pickles, Mr. Pickles.
(Ilsa gets up until she slips on a bar of soap on the floor and lands back in the tub again, the water hits Murphy, who shields himself with his fedora)
Didi: MISS UMLAUT!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOUSE?!
Ilsa: What have I done?! I haven't done anything! (points at Spike and the babies): It was that miserable dog of yours, and those misbegotten monsters! (Didi goes stunned, sadly): I can't take it anymore! I quit! In fact, I'm quitting altogether at once. (packs her box): I HATE dogs! You think Ilsa grew up wanting to be dog groomer? I went to the best beauty school in Stockholm, Mrs. Pickles. (messes her own hair): I wanted to be a hairdresser, Mrs. Pickles--a REAL hairdresser. But look at me now! I do dogs! I am the failure! (she starts crying while burying her face in her hands)
Didi: (comforts her): Oh, you poor thing. I had no idea. Is there anything I can do?
Ilsa: Ilsa's life is over, Mrs. Pickles. (cries): I might as well return to old country and peel potatoes!
Didi: (hands her a $20 bill from her wallet): Would a nice tip help?
Ilsa: (takes it and goes satisfied, American accent): It's a start.
(Didi gasps in shock from this)
Stu: At least we're covered, huh, Mr. Murphy? (Murphy snatches the contract and bolts off) Hey, where you going?! Come back! (runs after him)
(scene cuts to the living room where Spike is with the babies)
Phil: Well, Tommy, guess you were right.
Lil: Yeah, that broomer wasn't very nice, was she?
Chuckie: I don't think she'll be brooming around here anymore.
Tommy: Hear that, Spike? You been broomed for the last time!
(Spike gives Tommy affectionate licks, Tommy starts giggling as the babies' smile ending the episode)