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The Santa Experience Gallery Transcript

(The opening sequence is as per usual, except the theme is a more Chrismassy version, involving bells and what is either a chord organ or a guitar. This is followed by "The Santa Experience" title card in the usual manner.)

(Fade up on a snowy scene, where the camera pans across Santa's house, with an elf and a couple of reindeer out front. Chuckie speaks off camera when it pans towards the sky.)

Chuckie: (voice only) First, it gets really, really cold.

(A "snowball" passes by, revealing a man throwing artificial snow through a wreath-adorned hole on a wall, powered by a fan.)

Chuckie: (voice only) Then, the grown-ups start acting real nice...

(Camera pans down to a line of people, waiting to see Santa. Chuckie is talking to Tommy.)

Chuckie: ... and smiling all the time. And that's not the worsest part! One night... he comes!

Tommy: Who comes?

Chuckie: The scariest guy in the world! (show close-up of Chuckie's face) Santa Claus!

Tommy: Chuckie! You can't be scared of Santa! He's big and fat and jolly and gives you presents!

Chuckie: That's not what I heard!

(Pan across to Santa's house)

Elf: Okay, who's next to see Santa?

(Cut to an excited Angelica.)

Angelica: Me, me, me!

(Angelica rushes towards Santa, pushing a kid out of her way and plopping right into Santa's lap.)

Mall Santa: Oh, uh... Ho ho ho! And how are you today, little, um...

Angelica: Angelica.

Mall Santa: Angelica! And why don't you tell Santa what you want for Christmas.

(A photographer takes a picture of Santa and Angelica, whom grins widely.)

Angelica: I want a Luxurious Hair Cynthia Doll.

Mall Santa: Of course you do. And if you're a good little girl...

(Angelica interrupts Santa to continue her list.)

Angelica: A "Teenage Nuclear Fusion Squad" Video Game...

Mall Santa: Well...

Angelica: A Rocco Mr. X Exploding Smash-Up Doll,  a "Beverly Hills Cynthia" Lunch Box,  a pony, and a 9-11 Surgical Kit With working Stethoscope.

Mall Santa: Yes, that's an awful lot of presents...

Angelica: (shouting in Santa's face) I'm not finished yet!

(Cut to the photographer looking confused, then cut back to Santa and Angelica.)

Angelica: But the biggest and most importantest thing I want is a Deluxe Cynthia Beach House with Real Working Hot Tub, Satellite Dish, Entertainment Center, & Attached Garage.

Mall Santa: Yes, um, Angelica, um, that's a mighty long list of toys. I don't know if Santa...

Angelica: Hold on! If you're really Santa, how come you don't know this stuff already?

Mall Santa: Well, uh...

Angelica: Hey! Wait a minute! You're not the real Santa Claus! You're...

(Angelica pulls fake beard off "Santa")

Angelica: ... a phony!

Mall Santa: Hey!

(Angelica jumps off Santa's lap and runs off, shoving an elf aside as she runs, and holds up the beard.)

Angelica: Santa Claus is a fake! Run for your lives!

(Cut to Tommy and Chuckie gasping, then pan to Drew, who runs off. Some mothers scream and kids start shouting as a camera focuses on a "Happy Holidays" banner.)

(Fade to a box with words "Thanks For Shopping" on the wrapper. Angelica tears it open.)

(Cut to the inside, looking out. Angelica grins as Phil & Lil look on.)

Phil: Wow!

Lil: Where did you get that neat box of toys?

Angelica: From Santa Claus.

Phil: I thought he only gave you stuff for Christmas.

Angelica: Nah, you just gotta know how to work him.

(Stu walks into the house, carrying Tommy. Following them are Drew, carrying a box, and Chazz, carrying Chuckie.)

Stu: (to Drew) Ah, cheer up, big bro.

Drew: Stu, can you imagine how upset Angelica must be finding out that that department store Santa was a fake?

Stu: She doesn't look that upset to me.

(Cut to Angelica, grinning as she opens a present.)

Chas: (voice only) Yeah, the manager gave her practically every toy in the store.

Drew: Do you think toys can compensate for what she's been through? She may be traumatized for life!

(Cut to Angelica, Phil & Lil. She pulls a teddy bear out of a box, then tosses it aside.)

Angelica: Hey! This is a bunch of junk! They didn't give me any of the stuff I wanted!

(Phil & Lil try to take Angelica's toys, but she tries to hit them, before running off.)

(Cut to kitchen -- the guys are sitting around the table, chatting, while Didi is standing by the sink, and Betty is under the sink, fixing it.)

Chas: Well, even if she is traumatized for life, Drew, she'll still have a better Christmas than I ever had.

Didi: What do you mean, Charles? Didn't you ever have a real special dinner with lots of family and presents?

(As Didi speaks, Phil & Lil rush up to Didi.)

Chas: When I was a kid, Christmas was always kind of... disappointing. The best gift I ever got was a rubber glove and a tongue depressor. I'm just afraid of being the same for Chuckie.

Drew: I just wish I could do something to reaffirm Angelica's faith in Santa.

Betty: Hey, I know! Lets rent a place up in the mountains and do it up right! A real white Christmas!

Stu: What a great idea! We can chop down our own tree, and sing carols, and open up presents there on Christmas morning!

(The grownups start to leave the kitchen.)

Didi: I'll call the travel agent and get a cabin!

Stu: I'll go buy some lights and ornaments.

Grandpa: I'll drink a couple of quarts of eggnog and fall asleep in front of the TV!

(Cut to living room, where Angelica rifles through her new toys, looking disappointed.)

Angelica: Just my luck. I get a whole bunch of toys, and not one of them is any fun. What am I gonna do with a bunch of dumb old crayons? And what's this?

(Angelica holds a Reptar space helmet.)

Angelica: A Reptar space helmet? Great, just great!

(She tosses the helmet aside, looking glum.)

(Pan towards the playpen, where Tommy and Chuckie are talking. Chuckie is playing with blocks.)

Chuckie: I'm telling you, Tommy, that Santa's a bad guy. He's always watching you, keeping track of everything you do. And then, in the middle of the night, he breaks into your house with a big bag full of who knows what.

Tommy: But Chuckie, he's got presents in that bag.

Chuckie: Ah sure, that's what he wants you to think!

(Pan to Phil, sitting on the floor, looking glum. Angelica pushes her box of toys to him.)

Angelica: What's the matter with you?

Phil: Oh, nothin'. I just wish I could figure out what to give Lil for Christmas.

Angelica: Really? What if you gave her something for her favorite coloring book? Like maybe, crayons?

Phil: Yeah! But Angelica, where am I gonna get a great present like that?

Angelica: Right here.

(Angelica holds her box of crayons. Phil rushes up to it.)

Phil: Gee, thanks Angelica! What a pal!

(Angelica pulls away the crayons.)

Angelica: Not so fast. You can have them all right, but it's gonna cost ya.

Phil: Cost me?

Angelica: Not a lot. Just your Reptar doll.

Phil: My Reptar doll? But it's my "favoritest" toy ever!

(Phil runs up to the Reptar doll and holds it.)

Angelica: Well, can't say I didn't try.

Phil: Wait! (short pause) Okay, okay, Lil's my sister.

(Angelica takes away Phil's Reptar doll and gives him her crayons. Phil walks away.)

Angelica: Oh boy! It doesn't get any better than this!

(She holds Reptar, and sees Lil, sitting by herself.)

Angelica: Hey, wait a minute. Maybe it does!

(Cut back to kitchen. Didi is on the phone with a travel agent.)

Didi: I know it's only a few days till Christmas, but don't you have anything?

(telephone voice)

Didi: Yes?

(telephone voice)

Didi: Yes?

(telephone voice)

Didi: No, I don't think Tijuana's the right location.

(Didi hangs up phone.)

(Pan outside, where Drew is talking to himself.)

Drew: Poor Angelica. Christmas is ruined forever.

(Pan to Chas, who is sitting opposite Drew.)

Chas: Poor Chuckie. I wish there's something I can do to make Christmas extra special.

Drew: If only I can make it up to her and make Santa come alive again. And how.

(Both guys think a second. Then, they jump up.)

Drew & Chas: Hey! I got an idea!

Chas: No no, you go first.

Drew: No no, you.

Chas: Okay, I was thinking, why don't I dress up as Santa, and come down the chimney on Christmas Eve. The kids will hear me, wake up, come downstairs, and get a guh-limpse of old St. Nick.

Drew: Well, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Chas: You were?

Drew: Yeah. Of course, (chuckles), we wouldn't actually have you as Santa. We get a professional.

(They both go into the house.)

Chas: What's wrong with me? I'm a good actor. Remember our 4th grade play? I got the title role in "Wind In The Willows"!

Drew: Chas, you were a tree.

Chas: I was the willow!

Drew: Forget it, Chas; I'm hiring a professional.

(The guys walk past Lil, who was sitting on the floor, by herself, looking sad. Angelica pulls her box of toys to her.)

Angelica: Hi, Lil. What'cha doing? Trying to figure out something to give Phil for Christmas?

Lil: Yeah, how'd you know?

Angelica: I'm your friend. I know these things. Now, think for a second. What's Phil's "favoritest" toy in the whole world?

Lil: Umm, his building blocks?

Angelica: No, think again.

Lil: His pop-up book?

Angelica: One more time.

Lil: His stuffed alligator with the missing eye?

Angelica: (shouts) No! His Reptar doll!

Lil: Oh yeah.

Angelica: Now, what could you give him to make his Reptar doll better?

Lil: Another Reptar doll to be his friend?

Angelica: No...

Lil: A "Reptar On Ice" sing-along record?

Angelica: No...

Lil: I know! A Reptar surfboard!

Angelica: (shouts) No!

(Lil, standing, falls over.)

Angelica: A Reptar space helmet, dummy!

Lil: Hey, that's a great idea, Angelica! But where am I gonna get a Reptar space helmet?

(Angelica reaches into her box, grinning fiendishly. Lil gives Angelica her coloring book, in exchange for the helmet. Then, Lil walks away with it.)

(We see Angelica speaking to Cynthia.)

Angelica: What a great trick, Cynthia.

(Pan to Phil, reading a book.)

Angelica: Phil's gonna get a Reptar space helmet for Christmas...

(Pan back to Angelica.)

Angelica: ...but he doesn't have his Reptar doll.

(Pan to Lil, with the helmet.)

Angelica: And Lil's gonna get crayons...

(Pan back to Angelica.)

Angelica: ...but she doesn't have her coloring book!

(Cut to overhead view of Angelica, cackling.)

(Cut back to Angelica.)

Angelica: I'm bad, Cynthia! Real bad!

(Cut to Chuckie, in the playpen.)

Chuckie: He's bad, Tommy! Real bad!

(Tommy is playing with blocks.)

Tommy: I keep telling you, Chuckie, he's nice.

Chuckie: I just wish I could catch him to show ya!

Tommy: Chuckie! That's it! We'll catch Santa in a trap and make him tell us if he's good or bad!

Chuckie: But I don't want to catch him!

(Grandpa walks in.)

Grandpa: Gather 'round, sprats! I want to tell you about Santa Claus!

(Tommy & Chuckie gasp.)

(Cut to Grandpa in his chair. The Rugrats are sitting in front of him.)

Grandpa: Now maybe you heard folks say he's not real. Just a fairy tale. Well, it ain't the truth. St. Nick is as real as you and me.

Rugrats: (quickly) Wow!

(Grandpa takes off his glasses and polishes them.)

Grandpa: That's right. I've seen them with my own two eyes.

(Grandpa points at his beady little eyes.)

Angelica: Really?

(Grandpa puts his glasses back on.)

Grandpa: Yep! Now here's the point of my story. You see, Santa may be old, but he's as sharp as a toothpick. (holds up toothpick) And if you've been bad, you don't get that special doll you've wanted, or that fine looking electric train...

(Chuckie gets scared.)

Grandpa: Instead, (forms a coal shape with his hands) you get a great, big ugly lump of coal! (zooms into his mouth)

(Angelica gulps.)

Grandpa: Of course, none of this applies to any of you sprats! You've all been good as gold!

(Didi ducks in, excited.)

Didi: Guess what, everybody? We got a cabin!

(The adults cheered and walked towards her. Angelica just stood there, looking afraid.)

(Fade to Angelica's bedroom. Drew is tucking her into bed. He gave her a kiss, then starts to leave.)

Angelica: Daddy?

Drew: Yes, sugar?

Angelica: Is it true that if you're a bad little kid Santa Claus will give you a lump of coal instead of presents?

Drew: Sure is, pumpkin.

(Angelica gulps.)

Drew: Sweet dreams, princess.

(Drew shuts off the light, leaves, and closes the door.)

(Angelica pulls Cynthia from under the covers and talks to the doll.)

Angelica: I don't care what they say, Cynthia, that guy Santa can't possibly know that trick I played on Phil & Lil. Can he?

(Angelica shakes Cynthia.)

Angelica: (shouts) Can he?! (normal voice) Of course not.

(Angelica yawns and starts to fall asleep.)

Angelica: Oh, what a great trick I played. Dumb old Santa. Great trick. Can't know...

(Angelica drops Cynthia on the floor and falls asleep.)

(Pan towards the window. Fade into a dream, where it is morning and snowing outside. Angelica wakes up in joy.)

Angelica: (shouts) It's Christmas!

(Angelica rushes to the Christmas tree, where there are lots of presents underneath.)

Angelica: (gasps) Oh boy!

Drew: And they're all for you, princess.

(Angelica opens the first present to find inside...)

Angelica: Coal?

(She opens another present to find more...)

Angelica: Coal?

(She opens three more gifts, only to find that they're nothing but...)

Angelica: Coal! Coal! Coal! It can't be! It just can't be! Santa's just a smelly old guy in red pajamas! There's just no way he could've known!

(Santa appears behind her, we don't see his full face.)

Dream Santa: Oh ho, but I do!

(Angelica gasps.)

Dream Santa: I know everything. Phil got a new Reptar doll. Lil got a new coloring book. And what did YOU get?

(Santa cackles while he pours a sackful of coal on Angelica as she screams.)

Angelica: (shouts) Noooooooo!

(Back to reality; Angelica wakes up.)

Angelica: Huh? Wha?

(Drew comes in and turns on the light.)

Drew: What happened, sweetie?

Angelica: Daddy, daddy, what day is it? Is it Christmas?

Drew: (yawns) No honey, not yet.

Angelica: Then it was just a dream. There's still time. Daddy, I gotta find Phil & Lil.

Drew: You'll see them later today when we go up to the mountains. Right now, why don't you get some sleep while it's still dark?

(Drew turns out the light and leaves. Angelica picks up Cynthia and speaks to her.)

Angelica: Hear that Cynthia? There's still time. We gotta trade Phil & Lil's presents back before it's too late!

(Angelica lies there, scared, as the picture fades to black.)

(Commercial Break)

(Title Card: "Later That Day")

(Fade up to a mountain road. A mini-van drives up it while the adults sing "Jingle Bells".)

Adults: (singing) Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!

(The van stops at a modern-looking resort cabin. The doors open. Everyone starts to leave, with Spike the first to get out. They then entered the cabin, with Spike the first to get in. Betty sets Phil & Lil down. Angelica jumps them from behind a suitcase.)

Angelica: Hiya, Phil; hiya, Lil. Can I talk to you guys for a minute?

Lil: What did we do?

Angelica: Ooh, you didn't do nothing. It's just that I thought I could do you two a favor.

Phil: What kind of favor?

Angelica: Well...

Betty: Aha! There you two are!

(Betty picks up Phil & Lil.)

Betty: Come on, kids, momma's taking you to cut down your first Christmas tree.

(Betty leaves with Angelica)

Angelica: Drat!

(Cut to Grandpa, who's outside, nailing a wreath on the door. He accidentally hammers his thumb, then falls when Spike hits the chair that Grandpa is standing on. The wreath falls on Grandpa.)

(Cut back inside.)

Chuckie: You sure you want to catch Santa, Tommy? Maybe he'll just leave us alone.

Tommy: Chuckie, don't worry; he's nice. Now, let's go. We gotta check the whole house for places to set Santa traps.

(Spike enters the house through the doggy door. Tommy & Chuckie walk by.)

Tommy: Doggy door?

Chuckie: Check.

(They walk by the windows.)

Tommy: Dining room windows?

Chuckie: Check.

(They walk by the fireplace.)

Tommy: Chimbley?

Chuckie: Chimbley?

Tommy: Oh, you're right. No one in their right mind would try to come down a chimbley.

(Cut to kitchen. Chas takes a turkey out of the oven, while Charlotte, in her first appearance on this program, stirs a pot while talking to Jonathan on her cell phone.)

(telephone voice)

Charlotte: (on phone) Jonathan, listen! I am tired of these endless justifications!

Angelica: Mommy, can I go chop down a tree with Aunt Didi?

Charlotte: Sure, hon; have fun. (back to phone) Now, Jonathan...

Stu: Charlotte, it's so nice that you could finally get away from work to spend the holidays with us.

(Stu pours a sack of powder into the pot.)

Charlotte: Well, it is Christmas after all, the season of love and joy. (back to phone) I don't care Jonathan! We got to crush the competition and we got to crush them now!

(Cut to entranceway; Betty, Didi, Phil, Lil & Angelica are decked out in winter wear.)

Didi: Okay, I got the axe!

Betty: Great; I got the permit. Let's go chop ourselves a sapling!

Angelica: (to Phil & Lil) As soon as we get on the sled, we'll be able to talk.

(Cut to sled. Angelica tries to talk, but she is muffled, as the scarf is over her mouth.)

(They stop at the first tree.)

Betty: How about this one?

Didi: Uh, too small.

Betty: How about that one?

Didi: Umm, not enough branches in the back.

Betty: Come on, Deed, a tree's a tree; just pick one.

(Didi points at a tree; they walk to it.)

Didi: That's it! It's exactly the right size; the perfect shape! Isn't it cute?

Betty: Good choice, Deed. Now, stand back.

(Betty prepares to chop down the tree.)

Didi: What are you doing?

Betty:I'm gonna chop it down.

Didi: Oh no you don't! Not this tree!

(Didi stands in front of Betty, who puts down the axe.)

(Pan to Angelica, Phil & Lil, who's playing in the snow. Angelica is sitting on the sled.)

Angelica: Think I could talk to you guys for a second?

Phil: Sure.

Lil: About what?

Angelica: About... presents.

(Phil & Lil look at each other.)

Angelica: It all started when the first present was given by the Pilgrims a long long time ago. After that, everybody started giving presents. Even the Easter Bunny started giving them until Santa slapped him with a lawsuit.

(Angelica stands on the sled.)

Angelica: So anyway, what I'm try to say is...

(The sled goes down a hill. Angelica screams. When the sled stops, she was thrown into a snowdrift.)

(Cut to inside the cabin, where Betty and Stu open up a box containing a "Forever Green" artificial tree. Betty grins at us sheepishly. Pan to the front door, where Tommy & Chuckie put a yule log in front of the doggy door. Cut to Chas and Didi, decorating that artificial tree. Then cut to Phil, who tries to eat the popcorn garland. Angelica taps him on the shoulder to talk to him, but Betty picks up Phil and walks away; Angelica goes "Humph". Cut to the door, where Tommy strings the garland around the doorknob and ties it to a chair leg. Angelica tries to talk to Lil, but Lil's too fast for her. Pan to Charlotte, who holds an ornament while chatting on her cell phone; she's helping Didi, Chas and Drew decorate the tree. Then, Pan to the fireplace, where Grandpa is hanging stockings.)

(While all this is going on, Charlotte has the following conversation on her cell phone:)

Charlotte: (mostly voice only) What am I kidding? There's no problem here; I'm a problem solver. I just inherently know what to do. You call me up, I know the answer. I was born with the talent. Yeah, I know, I know. Well listen, I know more than any lawyer. You don't have to start with me. (laughs) I'm not afraid. What are you kidding? They call me; they consult with me. Oh, is that right? Well listen, I have a couple of things to tell them; I don't know why I should bother. I'm not gonna stoop so low. I have better things to do with my time, I can tell you that much. Are you kidding? Certainly not. I can't leave that office for one minute without something just... ah, for heaven's sakes. Well of course I know what to do. I inherently know what to do with everything. I pay you, and I pay you plenty!

(As Grandpa prepares to nail in a stocking, Spike goes beside Grandpa. Spike barks, causing Grandpa to hit another finger. Grandpa walks away.)

Didi: (voice only) Dinner!

(Cut to dining room, where the entire family is eating a big feast, consisting of turkey, meatloaf, cranberries and other good food. The grownups talk among themselves. Stu mentions that "Everything's candied.")

(Cut to Tommy & Chuckie, sitting on the sidelines, on newspapers.)

Chuckie: You think those traps would work, Tommy?

Tommy: Chuckie, you worry too much.

(Cut to Grandpa, trying to eat peas with two busted fingers on his left hand, due to the earlier nail accidents. Spike barks, but Grandpa tries to shoo him away. Spike looks dejected. Grandpa gives Spike a piece of meat.)

(Pan to Charlotte, who's still talking business while enjoying a holiday meal.)

Charlotte: (on phone) Tell those personnel people to remove paragraph 3 and replace it with a Santa Claus, uh, I mean a SANITY clause.

(Pan to Angelica and Didi.)

Angelica: (to Didi) Well suppose I can try to make up for doing something bad, but you couldn't fix it. Will Santa still bring a lump of coal?

Didi: Oh, Angelica. You're such a good little girl. I don't know why you have so many questions about bad children.

Stu: Ah, look. Isn't that cute?

(Cut to Tommy & Chuckie, yawning.)

Betty: Time to put the young'uns to bed.

Angelica: Oh no.

(Cut to the babies' cribs. Tommy closes his eyes while Betty & Didi look on. After they left, Tommy wakes up.)

Tommy: Chuckie?

Chuckie: (sleepy) Must stay awake. Must...

(Chuckie puts his glasses on, but falls promptly back to sleep.)

Tommy: Chuckie!

Chuckie: What? What is it? Is Santa here?

Tommy: No, you almost went to sleep.

Chuckie: No, Tommy, I'm awake.

Tommy: Oh, no  Chuckie! Phil & Lil are asleep!

(Cut to Phil & Lil, sleeping. Then pan to Chuckie, who's back to sleep.)

Tommy: Chuckie?

(Chuckie lays down.)

Tommy: Um, I guess it's up to me. Maybe I'll just make myself comfy while I wait.

(Tommy falls to sleep and snores a couple of times.)

(Cut back to living room, as an angel ornament rotates on the tree, where the grownups are singing carols by the tree.)

Adults: Joy to the world, The Lord has come! Let Earth receive her king! Let every heart...

(As they sing, Charlotte is still talking on her cell phone.)

Charlotte: (on phone) Listen, something I learned in life and that is to be a self-starter! Everywhere I am today, I have done myself!

(As the adults sing, and Charlotte yaks, Chas sneaks to another room to put on his Santa suit.)

(Angelica walks by, dejected.)

Angelica: Why did I do it? Why did I take Phil's Reptar doll? Why did I take Lil's coloring book?

(Chas walks out of the room in a Santa suit.)

Chas: Wait till they get a load of this!

(Cut to Drew, talking with a "Santa" business.)

Drew: (on phone) Is this "The Santa Experience"?

(telephone voice)

Drew: Just calling to confirm the Santa act tonight.

(telephone voice)

Drew: Great!

(Drew hangs up.)

(Cut to Grandpa, sleeping in front of the TV. On TV is some bells, which fade to a banner reading "End".)

Angelica: (to Cynthia) I tried to be good, Cynthia; I really tried.

(TV cuts to a guy at a desk, in a Santa cap.)

TV Man: The holidays can be a depressing time of the year.

Angelica: You said it.

TV Man: (voice only) Don't let this very special time of year become a nightmare for you. Call 1-800-555-YULE, and talk to someone who cares.

(Angelica rushes to the phone and dials...)

Angelica: 555-5555!

(The phone rings.)

(Cut to some sort of warehouse. The man answers a phone. He has cogs and gears all over the desk.)

Cog Guy: Cogs Unlimited.

Angelica: (voice only, on phone) Uh, may I speak to Santa Claus, please?

Cog Guy: Huh?

Angelica: (voice only, on phone) I need to talk to Santa right away; it's very important.

Cog Guy: Uh, I think you maybe got the wrong...

Angelica: (voice only, on phone, shouting) Let me talk to Santa!

Cog Guy: Alright! (brief pause) This is Santa Claus. How can I help you?

(Cut back to Angelica on phone.)

Angelica: Oh, hi Santa. It's me, Angelica.

Cog Guy: (voice only, on phone) Oh yes, hello, Angelica.

Angelica: I just wanted to find out if I'm on the good list or the bad list this year.

(Cut back to warehouse.)

Cog Guy: Hmm; let me check with one of my elves. (pause) Oh yes, Angelica; you're on the... oh yes, you're on the BAAAAD list.

(Cut back to Angelica.)

Cog Guy: (voice only, on phone) Thanks for calling.

(Cog Guy hangs up. Angelica, dejected, drops the phone.)

Angelica: It's over Cynthia. My future as a kid is over.

(Fade to outside; Chas, as Santa, is climbing a ladder up to the roof. He is breathing hard.)

Chas: Oh boy. That Santa guy must be in good shape.

(Cut to inside, looking at the doorknob with the garland wrapped around it. The door opens. Stu, loaded with presents, enters, but tripped on the garland.)

(Cut to cribs, where the Rugrats wake up.)

Tommy: Chuckie! Our traps! Come on!

(The cribs open. The Rugrats rush out of them, and ran to the living room, only to find Stu at the entrance. Stu picks up the gifts and walks away.)

Chuckie: Wow; it was only your dad, Tommy. Boy, for a minute there I was getting really scared. I thought it was Santa. I'm glad it was only...

(Chuckie screams when he sees a figure fall into the fireplace.)

Chuckie: It's him!

(Tommy uses a fire poker to block the fireplace doors.)

Chuckie: What are we gonna do, Tommy?! What are we gonna do?!

Chas: Hey! Hello, Stu, let me outta here!

(The Rugrats scream.)

Chas: Hey!

(Stu goes to the fireplace and removes the poker. Chas climbs out of the fireplace, all covered in soot.)

(The Rugrats scream, and run away.)

Chas: Chuckie! Chuckie, wait!

(Chuckie tries to hide in a corner.)

Chas: It's okay, Chuckie.

(Chas takes off the hat and beard, to reveal his true face.)

Chas: It's just... me.

(As the grownups and other Rugrats look on, Chuckie runs up to the dirty Chas and hugs him.)

Chas: Oh, Chuckie.

(The adults "awww" at the moment.)

Phil: That's not Santa.

Tommy: That's just Chuckie's dad.

Angelica: There is no Santa! I'm saved!

(The doorbell rings. Grandpa answers to to find...)

Grandpa: Santa!

(Angelica gulps.)

Real Santa: A little problem with a chimney, hmm?

Drew: (in a "fake" tone) Oh, Santa! Won't you come in?

(Santa gives Tommy, Phil & Lil each a present.)

Real Santa: Merry Christmas, Tommy, Phil, Lil! Aren't you guys up past your bedtime?

(Santa gives Chuckie a gift.)

Real Santa: Merry Christmas, Chuckie. Still think I'm so scary?

(Santa walks to Angelica. She grins with delight and gives a thumbs-up.)

Real Santa: Ah, Angelica.

(Santa gives Angelica a gift, which she promptly opens, to find...)

Angelica: A Deluxe Cynthia Beach House with Real Working Hot Tub, Satellite Dish, Entertainment Center, & Attached Garage! I didn't get a lump of coal!

Real Santa: (giggles) You know, sometimes trying to be good is as important as being good in the first place. Well, gotta go. Another 900 million children on my list. Ho ho ho ho ho.

(Santa chuckles, then leaves.)

Didi: Well, since it is almost morning anyway, why don't we all open our presents?

(Cut to the Rugrats, playing with their loot -- Tommy got a top; Chuckie got a teddy bear. Phil & Lil exchange their gifts and open them. Phil's gifts was the Reptar space helmet.)

Phil: Gee, thanks Lil! A Reptar space helmet.

Lil: A box of crayons.

Phil: What's wrong, Lil?

Lil: I gave... never mind.

Phil: You mean you...

Lil: Did you trade Angelica your Reptar doll just to give me these crayons?

Phil: And you traded your coloring book to get my Reptar space helmet.

Phil & Lil: Thanks!

Angelica: Ahem! Merry Christmas!

(Angelica gives Phil & Lil her gifts, which they unwrapped immediately.)

Phil: My Reptar doll!

Lil: My coloring book!

(They hug Angelica.)

Phil & Lil: Thanks, Angelica!

Angelica: Ew, baby germs!

(Cut to Tommy & Chuckie, playing on the floor.)

Chuckie: You know, Tommy? You were right. Santa isn't such a bad guy after all.

Tommy: I told'ya.

(Pan to Chas & Drew, sitting on the couch. Chas is all cleaned up and now wearing a new tie.)

Chas: Hey Drew; you were right. It was better getting a professional Santa.

Drew: Am I ever wrong?

(The phone rings. Drew answers it.)

Drew: Hello?

(telephone voice)

Drew: Yeah, this is Drew Pickles.

(Cut to what appears a dirty apartment. A man in a dark gray beard, a robe, and bare feet is talking to Drew, while getting milk and cookies, and walking back to the TV.)

Barney: Mr. Pickles, this is Barney Stevenson, "The Santa Experience". I'm calling from my car phone; you see, my car skidded off the road an I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight to do the Santa thing. Can we reschedule?

(Barney sits in his recliner, in front of the TV.)

Barney: Mr. Pickles?

Drew: (voice only, on phone, angry) What do you mean you can't make it?!

(Barney hangs up the phone.)

Barney: I hate Christmas.

(Cut back to cabin.)

Chas: Who was that?

Drew: Oh, wouldn't you know it? The guy I hired to play Santa can't make it. He...

(Drew & Chas hear jingle bells.)

Chas: Drew, who's that?

(Pan down to Angelica, playing with her new house.)

Angelica: What a great house! I wonder if there's a car in the attached garage?

(Angelica finds a small lump of coal in the house's garage. Angelica gasps.)

Didi: Angelica? Is that a lump of coal?

(Angelica acts a little surprised.)

(Fade to a wide shot of the cabin outside. Santa and eight reindeer fly over head. Sparkles fly out of the rear to form the words "Merry Christmas".)

Real Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!

(Fade out.)

The End

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