(Charles, Stu, and kids Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil are going to Home Heaven, a large department store. They pull into the parking lot, then enter the massive store, with the kids in strollers).
Charles: I'm telling you, Stu, I've had my eye on that Master Fondue Starter Set for some time. I mean, this All Things Cheese clearance sale is the break of a life time!
Stu: Chas, all I want to get is sand paper. In out, five minutes.
Charles: (goes to directory) Let's see, cheese, cheese, cheese.
Phil: Wow, it's a "junble".
Lil: Where's all the lions and the "tibres"?
(Chuckie shivers in fear)
Tommy: Look you guys! There's an animal.
(Points at fountain nearby, with a big turtle in the middle; the turtle has water coming out of its mouth)
Chuckie: A turtle. Well, that's all right.
Lil: And he sure is a good spitter.
(All the kids spit.)
Charles: Here it is. (locates the cheese section) Downstairs. Oh, now if only there was a map to help find the elevator.
(Everyone gets in the glass elevator, which does downstairs.)
Phil: Wow, look at all this stuff.
Lil: Yeah, I never seen so many things that... I don't know what they are (?) for.
(all get out of the elevator, then walk past the electronics section, with a tv broadcasting football)
TV Announcer: The tight end checks the tackle then Luis is down field and picks up the outside line backer and boom! Down he goes! Boy, that's football. I promise you ---
(voice goes into the background)
Stu: Hey, isn't that the Penn State - Notre Dame game?
(stares at the screen, oblivious to everything else around him)
Charles: Now Stu. We don't have time for you to get caught up watching some silly game. Stu?
Stu: Uh huh.
Charles: Stu, watch the kids for a minute, will ya? I'm going over to the fondue department.
Stu: Uh, yeah.
(not really listening)
Chuckie: Hey, Tommy. What's the matter with your daddy?
Tommy: Nothing Chuckie. That's just how he watches the tv. Hey guys! This is a perfect chance for us to go "sploring."
(the kids get leave their strollers)
Phil: Yeah, let's go "sploring."
Lil: Yeah, let's go "sploring."
Chuckie: Uh, maybe I-, I'll just stay here and watch TV.
(gets grabbed by one of the Rugrats)
(the babies walk past women's wear, then past the shoe department, then past house wares to the cheese sale where a woman is using a cash register to ring up purchases)
(the kids reach the pet department; Tommy licks a puppy that is licking him; Phil and Lil try to get at snakes to eat them)
Phil: What does it taste like?
Lil: I can't reach it.
(Chuckie is by a turtle that is alone in an aquarium)
Chuckie: Oh, poor little guy. I know just how you feel. Lost and scared. Wish you knew where your daddy was.
Tommy: What's the matter Chuckie?
Chuckie: Oh, it's this poor little turtle Tommy. He can't find his daddy.
Tommy: Hmm, hey! Maybe that big turtle we "sawed" when we came in the store is his daddy.
Chuckie: Wow. You're probably right. But, that was so far away. How is the turtle ever going to find him again?
Tommy: Well, we could take him there.
Chuckie: That's a great idea Tommy! Uh, can we do that?
Tommy: Sure we can. Come on.
(Tommy and Chuckie get a pooper scooper and a cat scratching post; they climb the post, and Tommy tries to grab the turtle with the scooper; the clerk sees Tommy and rushes over; she doesn't see Chuckie inside the post)
Clerk #1: Oh no. Hey you baby! Just what do you think you're (Phil and Lil overturn the snake aquarium) - Oh great. Snakes! (to Tommy) Stay! Stay!
Tommy: Chuckie, the "toast is clear". Get the turtle.
Chuckie: Uh, I can't. It's too hard.
Tommy: You have to Chuckie. Think about the poor turtle.
Clerk #1: Ew!
(picking up the snakes)
Tommy: Hurry, before the lady comes back.
Chuckie: Oh, why me...
(after some effort, grabs the turtle with the scooper) I got him!
Tommy: That a boy, Chuckie! Come on down.
Lil: I never knew there were so many different kinds of worms.
Phil: Yeah, and they don't taste anything like the little ones in our backyard.
(Chuckie is now down from the post)
Tommy: Come on you guys! We've got to get the turtle to his daddy.
Chuckie: Yeah, let's go... (walk into section with kitchen appliances) Tommy, how are we going to get poor turtle back to his daddy when we don't even know where we are?
Tommy: Uh, well, uh, uh, mm,... (sees the cash register in the cheese section) sure we do! Uh, first I remember a whole bunch of shoes. Uh, then I remember some cookin' stuff and that ringy toy and and, and, um, and lots of other stuff too. Come on you guys!
(Charles returns to electronics with his new fondue maker)
Charles: (humming) ♪ I'm fond of you if you're fond of me ♪ (falls over the strollers) Ow! Of all the places to leave an empty stroller! Some people just--! Empty... stroller? Stu! Where are the kids?!
Stu: Uh, what? Oh, they're right... (realizes they are missing) Uh... Oh, my gosh!
(the adults look everywhere nearby)
Stu & Charles: Security!
(cut back to the kids in the shoe section)
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel. Four small children lost in the store. Answer to the names Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil. If found, notify security. Thanks for shopping at Home Heaven. That is all.
Lil: Hey, why did that voice say our names?
(points to the security guard nearby)
Tommy: I think he's looking for us.
Chuckie: But if he finds us, then we'll never get turtle back to his daddy.
Tommy: Quick, Chuckie, hide the turtle... (Chuckie puts it in a boot, and the kids hide under a table) Where's the turtle?
Chuckie: He's okay. I "hided" him in a shoe.
Phil: Which one?
(he sees a clerk about to put the shoe on a customer)
Chuckie: Oh, that one!
Clerk #2: Here it is sir. The London Braun in dark puce.
Chuckie: Oh no, Tommy. He's going to put turtle's shoe on that man.
Lil: It'll smush him!
Tommy: Not if I can help it!
(Tommy grabs a shoe measure)
Clerk #2: And not only is it attractive, but it actually performs reflexology on your foot and improves liver function.... (Tommy uses the measure to slide between the clerk's legs and grab the shoe and run away) what in the world? Hey, come back here. Call security. We've got babies!
Tommy: Here Chuckie.
(gives Chuckie the turtle)
Chuckie: Thanks Tommy. (takes turtle out of the shoe) Oh, and turtle says thanks too.
Tommy: Oh, tell him he's welcome. Now come on guys. Let's go find turtle's daddy.
(run into the patrol in the women's clothing section)
Security Patrol: Oh, I've located babies in women's ware, in pursuit. Over. Hey, kids.
(kids scream and run, hide in coat rack, but the patrol finds them and they run away again; extended chase which makes the patrolman get dizzy and fall down)
Security Patrol: Come back. You just.. woah! I'm dizzy.
(kids reach electronics section)
Tommy: Look guys. It's the TVs. We must be near the elevator.
(the kids get into the elevator and lift Tommy so he can push the button to go up; as it goes up, the Security Patrol sees them and tries to cling on the front of the rising elevator, but falls)
Security Patrol: Hhh! Unit one, back in action. Babies boarding elevator alpha. Over... Ow. Maybe I'll try the stairs.
(Stu and Charles then see the babies through the glass elevator)
Stu: Hhh! Oh my gosh. They're in the elevator. Come on!
(the kids exit the elevator and see the fountain ahead and run towards it)
Tommy: There he is. It's the turtle's daddy.
Chuckie: You're almost home, little fellow.
(the security man and parents reach upstairs)
Security Patrol: Babies at 10 o'clock. I'm moving in, over.
Stu: Tommy, daddy's here.
(kids scream and run to the fountain)
Stu: Hey, come back here.
Charles: They're headed for the fountain.
Stu: Spread out.
Tommy: Hurry, Chuckie! Hurry!
(Stu grabs his son)
Stu: Tommy Pickles, what's gotten into you?
(The Security Patrol catches a screaming Phil and Lil.)
Security Patrol: Oh no, you don't!
(Chuckie puts the turtle in the fountain; his dad falls on some fake mushrooms and knocks over a box which falls onto the fountain; Chuckie falls onto his dad)
Charles: Woah, Chuckie...got you.
(Later, the turtle and fountain is in Charles' backyard, with the kids playing next to it)
Charles: I don't know, Stu. I think they were making up that part about it being store policy that if you bend it, you bought it.
Stu: Well, you've got to admit Chas. It does add a touch of class. Besides, the kids seem to like it.
Chuckie: See little fellow. Now we're both safe at home with our daddies. Yeah.
(Chuckie hugs his dad; the turtle sits on the fountain pedestal and blows out water like a spout.)