[Susie is calmly walking out of a classroom]
Susie: Thank you, Mrs. Peterson. [shuts the door] I'll be sure to tell my parents. [stays calm for a second, before she starts cheering] Yeah! Whoopee! Yo yo yo! [does a cartwheel, as students stare] Alright! Yes! [slides on her knees, stopping directly in front of a teacher] Oh. [clears her throat before she calmly stands up, and walks away. But at the corner, she starts cheering again.] Yo yo yo! Alright!
[Various lockers with matching posters of Emica are closed, before Angelica's remains open.]
Angelica: [talking to Chuckie] It's all about having your own identity. That's why I have to have a navel piercing exactly like Emica's.
Chuckie: Piercing? I fainted when my mother got contacts. [turns to Harold, who looks just as horrified]
Angelica: So, what's up with this "Living Skills" seminar? No books, no tests, what's the catch?
Chuckie: I hear they pair everybody up in fake marriages.
Harold: [runs a bit further up, now determined] Just so you know, Angelica, if we end up together, I'm going to have to put my foot down about that belly button ring. [Angelica glares at him; He smiles.] Unless you really want it.
Susie: [runs up to them] Guys, guys! Did you hear?! Did you hear?!
Chuckie: I know; Living Skills class.
Susie: No, about me. I was nominated for a national Junior Presidential achievement scholarship!
Angelica: Big deal. I'm getting a navel piercing just like Emica. [strides into the classroom with pride]
Susie: Oh yeah, that'll get you into Harvard. [Outside, Lil is bouncing a soccer ball on her left foot, with Phil and Tommy watching]
Lil: I can't believe Neil Stant is going to be signing his rocking new shoes at the mall! [bounces the ball on her head, before kicking the ball to Phil]
Phil: [bounces the ball back to Lil with his backside] Only the world's greatest soccer player.
Lil: [bounces the ball on her head and foot before securing it in the grass with her foot] The man's a genius infield, with a boot like a cannon. [sighs sadly, and sits on the ball] And I'll be stuck in school.
Phil: [walks up to her with a plan] Or maybe we won't.
Lil: [stands up] What're you saying? We can't ditch school; We'll get caught.
Phil: It'll be cake. We'll just leave the house like we do every morning, except we'll go to the mall. No one'll ever know.
Tommy: [stands up] Oh, why'd you tell me that? Now Mr. Shackley will ask me where you are, and I'm a terrible liar. I-I blink when I lie.
Phil: So, come along; You can shoot video for the local news.
Tommy: [thinks about the plan] I'm in.
Dil: [walks up to them] Hey T, I need you to walk with me to school tomorrow. I need to carry the entire solar system, and there's a couple of new nebula I discovered.
Tommy: Aww gee, I can't. [starts blinking repeatedly, proving his earlier statement correct] I'm ho, ho, honorary crossing guard. [smiles at him, while still blinking]
Dil: O-o-o-oka-a-a-ay... [walks away, confused]
Tommy: [sighs in relief]
Phil: [to Lil] Maybe if he wears sunglasses.
[In the classroom]
Ms. O'Keats: [lecturing the students] The cornerstone of all successful relationships are the three C's. [gestures to the chalkboard, which has the three "c" words listed in chronological order] Communication, cooperation, and compromise. [shows depression] Three things my ex-boyfriend although lacked. The man has a sensitivity of a potato. [perks up] But I digress. After choosing mates, you will be assigned occupations, and together you will plan a wedding. learn to budget, and make provisions for children.
[Students mutter before Chuckie stands up and raises his hand]
Chuckie: Excuse me, Ms. O'Keats? I'm not sure I'm ready for a wife. Can't I just take home the class goldfish? [gestures to the goldfish in a circular fishbowl]
Ms. O'Keats: Not a wife, Charles. For this special class, you will be known as "Spouse 1", and "Spouse 2." [walks to her desk] I have written half of the class' names on pieces of paper. The other half will choose a partner from this greasy paper bag. [starts walking down the aisle with the bag.]
[Angelica looks back and smiles dreamingly at Darryl, who smiles back and waves at her. She turns back to face forward.]
Angelica: [smiles with hope] Darryl, Darryl, Darryl!
Harold: [feels just as much hope] Angelica, Angelica, Angelica! [reaches into the bag when it's his turn] (Thoughts: Angelica, Angelica, Angelica!) [pulls out a name, and frowns with disappointment] Harriet? Who's Harriet?
Harriet: [giggles nasally] That's me. [waves from her seat in the back]
[Ms. O'Keats walks up to a nervous Chuckie.]
Chuckie: [digs around in the bag, fearing the worst, before he pulls one out] Leslie Kaminski? There's no Leslie in this class.
Fridge: That's me.
Chuckie: [drops the paper on the desk in surprise] Fridge Kamiski?? [giggles] Your name is Leslie? [pounds his fist and lays his face on the table, before Fridge growls angrily at him; Chuckie stops, now nerous again] Heh, nice name. [pats his shoulder]
Angelica: [reaches into and digs in the bag when it's her turn] (Thoughts: Darryl, Darryl, Darryl!) [pulls one out] Susie Carmichael?!
Susie: [looks at the paper she chose] Angelica??
Susie/Angelica: I can't be married to her!
Ms. O'Keats: Sorry; Just like in life, you'll have to learn to live with your choices. Tomorrow, we'll begin your fake life with a field trip. [reaches for the second bag] Now, let's see what disappointments the world of employment has in store for you. [starts shaking the bag up and down to shuffle the papers.]
[At the DeVille house]
[Phil and Lil are walking down the hall to the kitchen]
Phil: Just keep the casual.
[They stopped at the doorway, where they see Betty at the stove.]
Lil: Bye, Mom.
Phil: [pronunciating every syllable from nervousness] Well, we're off to school now. Like we do every morning. Yep, here we go... to school. [chuckles nervously, before Lil pushes him out. Betty shrugs, before continuing her work. Phil and Lil walk up to the bus stop.] You think I sounded nervous?
Lil: Not at all... [lifts his arm up, revealing sweat stains on his jacket, with an annoyed glare] Swamp thing.
[The next morning, the field trip starts on the bus. Darryl is sitting and talking with Brianna, Angelica watches angrily, and Chuckie looks uneasy, sitting next to Fridge.]
Angelica: It isn't fair! Darryl ends up being an internet zillionaire married to Brianna, a supermodel, while I'm a plumber married to a waitress with 6 kids!
Susie: [is typing on her laptop as Angelica complains] Chillax, it's not even real. Now the Junior Presidential scholarship; That's real. [closes her laptop] Prestigous high school, elite music conservatory. [puts her laptop in her backpack. She puts her backpack in between her and Angelica, who scoots away] I wow them with this speech today, and I'm gold.
Angelica: Can't you put that on the floor?
Susie: Uh-uh! That laptop has the only copy of my speech on it. It is staying where I can see it.
Angelica: [stares angrily at Darryl and Brianna again] Maybe I can still break them up before the wedding. [stands up, but is pulled down back in her seat by Susie.]
Susie: Siddown. 5 hours from now, my life is going to change forever, and I don't want you messing with it. So, just hitch your caboose to the Susie express, and ride your way to an easy A. [pats her backpack]
Ms. O'Keats: But before City Hall and the marriage bureau, we would be visiting various shops to research wedding costs. Oh, and I'd like to thank Principal Pangborn for volunteering to chaperone today.
Mr. Pangborn: [groans angrily] I thought we were going to the zoo.
Ms. O'Keats: Now, why would I say "zoo"? Part of our first 'C', "communication", is listening. Perhaps you'd like to cover this with the class.
Mr. Pangborn: I can't. I have to face forward, or I ralph.
Ms. O'Keats: (sarcastically) Oh, how romantic.
[They stop at a bakery, where Chuckie and Fridge are looking at a tall wedding cake]
Chuckie: So uh, you want to be Spouse 1, or Spouse 2? [waits for an answer, but doesn't receive one; He frowns sadly] Uh, I know this is kinda awkward, me being the breadwinner and you having to give up your career to raise our 3 kids, but I really think we could make this work. [Fridge grunts and walks away without answering, leaving a sad Chuckie.]
[Harold and Harriet are at the window of a jewelry store with a wedding ring display]
Harriet: I always wanted to get married on a beach, with bagpipes.
Harold: You're kidding! So did I! What's your favorite sandwich?
Harriet: Cucumber and onions...
[She and Harold hold hands romantically]
Harriet/Harold: On wheat!
[They stop at "Ever Bridal", a bridal shop, where the students mingle]
Susie: [is standing outside a fitting stall, where Angelica is trying on a dress] Angelica, hurry up! We're not supposed to be trying these on!
Angelica: Oh, lighten up. We can't afford this anyway, not on your crummy salary. Maybe if you took a night job.
Susie: It's not real.
Ms. O'Keats: Okay everyone, it's time to leave this graveyard of shattered dreams.
Susie: [sees the rest of the students leaving] Angelica, hurry!
Angelica: [struggles in the dress, before she stops] Uh oh. Quick, get me out of this! [Susie rushes into the stall, where she sees Angelica trapped and restrained, and gasps] I'm stuck! [Susie pulls at the dress from the top] Ow! My nose, my nose!
Susie: Stop complaining, and suck in your head!
Mr. Pangborn: Finster, Kaminski! Carmichael, Pickles!
Angelica: (squeakily) Here!
Susie: [using her foot on the mirror for support, she finally frees Angelica, falling back in the process]
Angelica: Y'know, for something so expensive, you think they could've thrown in a zipper. [She and Susie exit the stall, and see the store now empty] Oh no!
Susie: They're gone! [She and Angelica run out of the store, Susie obliviously leaving her backpack behind, just in time to see the bus driving off]
Angelica: [glares at Susie] Well, I hope you're happy.
[They stop at the marriage bureau]
Mr. Pangborn: [shows obvious lack of interest] And this is where you get your marriage license. The first step in that amazing adventure called "life."
Woman: Fishing, fishing, fishing! That's all you ever talk about! [walks away angrily]
Fisherman: I'm a fisherman! [runs after her]
Ms. O'Keats: And there's your fairy-tale ending.
Mr. Pangborn: Clipboard, comb... Can't help feeling like I've lost something.
Ms. O'Keats: [looks over the students, and realizes that Susie and Angelica aren't with them] Where are Susie and Angelica?!
[At a street corner, Angelica and Susie wait to walk across the road.]
Angelica: I can't believe they left without us. This downtown air is not good for combination skin!
Susie: Stop whining. I got it wired: Wer'e supposed to meet our class for lunch by the horse statue, and there it is. [gestures to a geometric horse statue]
Angelica: That doesn't look like a horse.
Susie: It's modern art. It's not supposed to look like what it is. Besides, how many horse statues can they have in one park?
[Turns out, there are multiple horse statues in the park, one of which the students are gathered at with the two faculty. This statue has a sign that says "Stallion Park".]
Mr. Pangborn: They knew we were supposed to meet here. How many horse statues can there be in one park?
Ms. O'Keats: We'll double back. Knowing Angelica, she probably got caught up shopping.
Mr. Pangborn: I should've brought my car. I have flares.
[Meanwhile at a different area, Phil and Lil are headed for the mall, Lil clad in a Neil Stant themed soccer outfit and Phil glancing all around in fear]
Lil: We're only minutes away from meeting the world's greatest soccer player. This was the best idea you've ever had.
Phil: Was that Mom's car?!
Lil: No! Would you relax?! Think about it; You can be at school right now, like the rest of the world. [They see the surprisingly long line] Whoa. Actually, I think the rest of the world is here.
Tommy: Guys! Hey, guys! [waves to them from his place in the line, saved for them]
Lil: Hey, Tommy. How'd getting out of the house go?
Tommy: [blinks repeatedly] Piece of cake.
Dil: Yo, T. [walks up to them]
Tommy: Dil! [points his video camera to Dil in surprise] How'd you know I was ditching?
Dil: (sarcastically) Oh, I don't know. [imitates Tommy's nervous blinking] Frankly, I'm hurt you'd leave your little bro behind. [walks closer to the camera as he speaks, up until his eye takes up the entire lens] Did I ever not invite you when I was in a fourth dimension??
Tommy: I don't consider being thrown in the living closet to smell your farts another dimension. [As Tommy points this out, a flashback is shown, proving his point.]
Dil: [smiles widely at Tommy]
[Meanwhile at the park, Susie is pacing back and forth, while Angelica sits on the bench indifferently]
Susie: I don't get it. They were supposed to be here for lunch. This is a disaster!
Angelica: Tell me about it. This is just the kind of crisis that could bring Brianna and Darryl together.
Susie: Don't you ever think about anything but you, and your imaginary problems?! I need to get back to school for my interview! [holds out her left hand] You got any money?
Angelica: Lipstick, lipliner, lip brush, cell phone... Oh! Cell phone! Cell phone!
Susie: Yes! Way to go, Angelica!
Angelica: Oh, no juice.
Susie: Way to go, Angelica. [gasps] Wait a minute. My backpack. Where's my backpack? Oh, I had it right here! Oh, where's my backpack?!
Angelica: So what? Your mom will buy you a new backpack. Do you know how many backpacks I've lost by accident on purpose?
Susie: Did any of them have a laptop in it with a 3-page speech that was going to change your destiny??
Angelica: No, but one had an Emica keychain in it that I really liked.
Susie: [gasps] I left it at the bridal shop. [pulls Angelica on her feet] Come on, we're gonna go back!
Angelica: [pulls her hand away] Forget it; I'm waiting here for our class. [sits back on the bench.]
Susie: Fine, I'm going! [runs off]
Stereo salesman: [walks up behind Angelica, and opens his jacket, revealing two small speakers] Eh, you want to buy some stereo speakers? [A ferret crawls out of his jacket, and glares at Angelica] A live ferret?
Angelica: [stands up on her feet] Wait up! [runs after Susie]
[The class returns to the bridal shop]
Ms. O'Keats: [turns to Mr. Pangborn after speaking to an employee] They left here an hour ago.
Mr. Pangborn: An hour?! I don't think I can handle the stress! [holds out his tongue, so his speech is distorted] Doeth thith look thwollen to you?
Ms. O'Keats: I'll notify the authorities. Useless; Just like Arthur. [walks away]
Chuckie: [He and Fridge are looking at bridal dresses on mannequins through the shop window] I don't get it. Why don't they have heads anymore? [doesn't receive an answer yet again, and sighs sadly. Harold and Harriet join him at the window.] Hey Harold, I need your advice. You're a fake psychiatrist; How come Fridge never listens to me?
Harold: You have to find a common interest. Ours is origami. [He and Harriet hold up purple paper birds together, forming a heart]
[Meanwhile, at a strange street, Susie and Angelica are still looking for the bridal shop]
Susie: We're not lost. The bridal store is just around this corner. [They go around the corner, but find a tattoo parlor instead.] Wait a minute. This tattoo parlor wasn't here before.
Angelica: (sarcastically) Right; They just put it up an hour ago. [realizes] Tattoo parlor?? Hmm...
[Inside the tattoo parlor, Angelica and Susie are talking to an employee]
Tattoo Artist: Hey sorry hon, we don't do piercings unless you're 18 or older.
Angelica: [lifts her shirt and holds a gold barbell to her navel] Listen lady, I may look like I'm fresh off the pond, but I've been around the block. Trust me, I've seen it all. [witnesses a teenage getting her navel pierced, and passes out]
Susie: [turns to the tattoo artist] Uh, I don't suppose I can leave her here with you?
[At the mall, Tommy, Dil, and the twins are closer to the entrance of the mall. Lil is bouncing her soccer ball on her foot.]
Phil: [is rocking on the sidewalk in fear] I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm in a safe place. No one can hurt me now.
Lil: Knock it off!
Tommy: Yeah Phil, no one's going to catch us.
[Phil stops rocking]
Dil: Yeah, it's not like the security guys in the mall are paying attention. They're too busy scarfing down cheese on a stick.
Tommy: Security guys?
Dil: Yeah. The ones watching all those survelliance cameras.
Tommy: [looks around and sees all the cameras; He gets down and starting rocking fearfully with Phil] I'm a good boy. Won't get in trouble. I'm a good boy.
[In the survelliance area, Dil is proven to be right; As he imitates a mime, the security guards are eating cheese on a stick and not looking at the camera footage]
[Meanwhile, Susie and a recovered are still looking for the bridal shop.]
Angelica: You know, for someone who's always mapping out their future, you have one lousy sense of direction.
Susie: [sighs angrily] Fine, I'll ask someone, okay? Get off my back, woman! [surprises Angelica with her outburst, before she turns to a man] Excuse me, is there a bridal store arou...? [the man speaks in Korean] [Susie turns to a woman] Excuse me, do you know if...? [the woman holds her purse away, and walks off in a huff] [Susie notices the Korean symbols all around the area]
Angelica: Everything's in Korean!
Susie: Really?? Maybe that's why they call it KOREA TOWN!!!
[They walk by a butcher shop]
Angelica: Boy, I must be really hungry, 'cause that duck hanging by its neck in that window is looking good. [reaches in her pocket, and pulls out a $1 bill] Hey, found a dollar.
Susie: Yes! [sees a row of payphones] There's a payphone! Ooh, we can get the number for the bridal shop, tell them to hold my backpack, have them call the school, the Susie express is back on track! [sees Angelica outside the shop, eating a dish]
Angelica: Ever tried kimchi? It's not bad. [Susie slouches in despair.] And I got this whole thing for a dollar. [Susie angrily marches up to her] What? What?
Susie: You just ate my future! [Angelica falls on a potted bloom bush]
Angelica: [spits out a leaf] Future, future, future, can't you talk about anything else?!
Susie: It wouldn't hurt of you thought about yours once in a while!
Angelica: I think about my future! [jumps out of the bush] Did you know how long I spend every night laying out my clothes for the next morning?
Susie: [sighs angrily] This is getting us nowhere. I think it's time to use the 3 C's: Communication, cooperation, and compromise.
Angelica: I wish we never got married!
Susie: WE DIDN'T!!! [They walk through a fish market.] Back off, sister. I got one hour to find my laptop and get to school, and I am not going to let anything get in my way! [A fish is thrown at the back of her neck, knocking her down on a puddle; She starts to cry in despair] Can't take it, can't take it, I can't take it anymore.
[Susie and Angelica are at a pier, where a truck of fish drives away]
Susie: You might as well just bit me for that baberam right now, 'cause my future is dead. How's this sound?: "Would you like fries with that?" [cries]
Angelica: Come on, Susie, we'll get back. I have a plan many I have to accessorize for tomorrow.
Susie: How do you do that?
Angelica: Do what?
Susie: Skate through life, focus on the most superficial things without any concern for the future.
Angelica: [applies lipstick as Susie speaks] We're 13, it's our job. [they start walking] You know Susie, you can plan every second of life. But won't that be kind of boring? All I'm saying is if you're only looking down the road, you'll never see the half-off signs along the way.
[After a second, they clutch each other in fear when a motorcyclist comes driving up.]
Angelica: I've got kimchi in my pocket, and I'm not afraid to use it!
[The driver takes off their helmet, revealing them to be the tattoo artist they met at the parlor.]
Tattoo artist: What are you two girls doing way out here?
Angelica: We're lost. Do you know that bridal shop near the park?
Susie: Oh, let's just go home.
Tattoo artist: Sure, I know it. Got my dress there. Want to see my wedding picture? [rolls up her sleeve, revealing a tattooed wedding picture of her and a rocker man. She gives Angelica and Susie each a cycle helmet] Here you go.
[Angelica and Susie cheer as they ride off with the tattoo artist]
[At the mall, Tommy, Dil, and the twins are very close to the front. The boys are looking around nervously.]
Lil: [gasps when the lady in front of her walks to the booth] There he is, Phil! There he is!
[Neil Stant signs his headshot for the lady]
Phil: No thanks, I told you, it's Rico.
Lil: [goes to walk up to the booth, but the woman puts an "Event Closed" sign in front of her] What? You can't!
Phil: Hey! Just you hold on! This is my sister! She's his biggest fan! She knows all his moves, she has all his posters...
Tommy: Shh! They're gonna figure out we ditched.
Phil: I don't care! I am not leaving until she gets his autograph. [sits at the doorway stubbornly]
Dil: And neither are we! [He and Tommy sit next to Phil, as witnesses cheer]
Woman: Oh fine, this way.
Lil: [goes to get the autograph, and stops by her friends, feeling emotional] Thanks... Rico. [Phil winks at her as a 'you're welcome' gesture, before she goes to get what she was hoping for.]
[Meanwhile, the class came back to the bridal shop, where Mr. Pangborn is crying on one of the benches.]
Ms. O'Keats: [walks up to him] I talked to the police, and they have staked out the school. They're sure the girls will turn up.
Mr. Pangborn: I keep seeing their little faces. So alone, so scared. I feel so helpless! [cries again]
Ms. O'Keats: You really care about these children, don't you? I never realized what a sensitive, caring... bald man you are.
Mr. Pangborn: What can I say? I have so much love to give. [He and Ms. O'Keats gaze at each other dreamily]
[Meanwhile, Fridge is eating a sandwich, while a mannequin arm is on Chuckie's neck]
Chuckie: Ack! Help me! Agh! Help me! [sputters, before he notices that Fridge is still not responding to him; Chuckie gives up, and sits next to him with a sandwich of his own.] Ugh, I don't know anymore. [throws the arm behind his back carelessly] What do I have to do to reach you? Just once, I'd like to hear "How's the egg salad, Chuckie?"
Fridge: Um, um I'm sorry, did you say something? I, I'm deaf in this ear.
Chuckie: [stands on his feet on the floor in surprise] You're deaf?
Fridge: Sure. I thought everybody knew that.
Chuckie: Look who you're talking to. I'm not exactly in the loop. Wow. [sits back on the display, now relieved] All this time, I thought you were ignoring me.
Fridge: Chuckie, right?
Chuckie: [now happy] Yeah!
Fridge: So uh, how was your egg salad?
[Chuckie smiles widely with joy]
[Just outside, the tattoo artist drives up with Angelica and Susie, with the students looking and rushing outside to see. Susie and Angelica greet them all.]
Ms. O'Keats: Mr. Pangborn, they're here!
Mr. Pangborn: Oh, joy! I better get a volume for this. [He grabs Ms. O'Keats and spins her in the air with joy, but they separate awkwardly after she's set down.]
[Later, the bus starts boarding all the students. Harold and Harriet are now angrily facing away from each other.]
Harold: You know, you don't have to agree with me on everything.
Harriet: I feel the exact same way.
Harold: See? Like that! I'm moving out!
Chuckie: [witnesses the argument] Wow, I thought they'd be together forever. [turns to Fridge] You know, this marriage thing is a lot harder than it looks. [Fridge subtly reminds him of his partial deafness] Oh.
Susie: You know Angelica, I am glad we ended up together. You taught me you have to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.
Angelica: Exactly; Like if I hadn't gotten into that tattoo parlor, we wouldn't be making it back in time for your interview right now.
Susie: Oh, but we hadn't gone into that tat shop if you hadn't made us late in the first place.
Angelica: We wouldn't have been "late" if you hadn't lost your old backpack.
Susie: [stands up] I wouldn't have lost my backpack, if your big head hadn't gotten stuck in that dress.
Angelica: I wish we never got married!
Susie: WE DIDN'T!!!
[The bus door closes during Susie's outburst, and the driver heads for the school]
Mr. Pangborn: Did anybody call the police, and tell them the girls are safe?
Ms. O'Keats: Whoops! Oh well; We'll call when we get to school, Mr... [leans closer to him] Pangborn.
Mr. Pangborn: Call me... Estes.
Ms. O'Keats: (dreamily) Estes... [They gaze at each other lovingly as the bus drives away]
[Meanwhile, Tommy, Dil, and the twins are walking back to the school.]
Lil: [gazes at her shirt excitedly] I am never gonna wash this shirt again! Or these socks, or these shorts! Maybe I just won't bathe!
Phil: I don't know why I got all agro, man, I knew we'd get away with it.
Tommy: We are a lean, mean, hooky machine.
[Tommy, Dil, and the twins share high-fives, before they walk around the corner and see the police meant for Angelica and SUsie. A couple cars drive up and stop by them, while three helicopters hover above the area. Tommy and the twins get down on their knees, while Dil lays on the ground; Tommy has his hands behind his head, while Phil and Lil simply have their arms up in surrender]
Tommy: Okay, we ditched! We admit it!
Lil: I'm sorry!
Phil: I'll never do it again! I swear! Don't take me away!
Dil: [points at Tommy] He's a bad influence.
Tommy: [rolls his eyes angrily]